Extermination

by Pia

I wrote this one for an excersise at DD. I basically ripped off MISDEED, but I think it works okay.

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Misdeed
Original

This was my entry to Moviepoet for July 2007. I have rewritten it, but I may do another rewrite depending on what Kirk White of Plaidwall Productions think about this version. He has expressed interest in filming this. He is in LA and has already put up notice for actors on Craigslist and got plenty of responses as well. He called this “extreme horror”. I guess I won’t be showing him some of my more violent scripts…

The scores:
Poor Fair Good Very Good Excellent
7% 7% 39% 25% 21%

These were the comments from MoviePoet:

“This was very good right from the start especially with how Mark finds out about Anna when the audience does. The clues are laid out very well. The only thing I would change would be Mark stopping the crows from attacking Anna till the very end. I kept imagining her dead face and then with them eating her eyes. Yuck. That’s good because the visual is strong, but I’ve read (and it makes sense to me) that people want to remember a story for the good emotional outcome not the bad. I think the connection that Mark and Jamie hold even though she is dead would be marred if her face became disfigured by the crows at the beginning.

Maybe Mark could succeed in doing whatever he can to protect her till he couldn’t anymore cause of the bears attacking him. He tries to do in the story but fails right from the start. Maybe also just a polish on the dialogue but doesnt need much work It’s just a few ideas but otherwise loved this story–best one so far. Thanks.”

“I like the idea here. Some of the dialogue is a bit on the nose, especially all the exposition about the theft. The ending reminded me a bit of that short story, The Interlopers, where the warring neighbors get eaten by wolves.

For me, the ending was a bit convenient. I don’t know if I really believe that the bear would step on the phone in such a way as to turn on the speaker function but not crush it.”

“Good work! I enjoyed it. Nice job creating an incredibly tense situation and a great deal of suspense in only 5 pages. I’m a big fan of unhappy endings because they’re harder to see coming so I thuroughly enjoyed this from start to finish. Great job!”

“Good set up of the scene. I liked the idea that he was using money to swat ants and make fires.

I wasn’t too grossed out by the pecking and the chewing either. The thing I suppose that I DID find hard to stomach was Mark talking to his dead girlfriend, which somehow didn’t quite ring true.”

“Well written, nicely paced, interesting story. Really liked this, knowing the bear was coming, his having to helplessly watch nature devour her, the phone message at the end causing a reversal. Great stuff.

That said, I think it still needs a bit of work. His orations explaining what’s happened is just too convenient, too much exposition. Why not do it in flashback. He’s in excruciating pain and could have short, vivid flashbacks showing everything that he now “says”.

Also, the bear stepping on the phone is too convenient. Maybe it rings and he reaches for it with a stick and the speaker phone button is hit. Like the idea, just not the execution.

Finally, does he get eaten in the end? If so it seems along with the sounds of a human feast we’d hear his screams of agony.

Noticed two typos:
His eyes darts
He yells on top of his lungs.

Still, a really good and interesting story, nicely written. I think with a few changes this could be killer.
Good luck.”

“This is a great story. The twist at the end is fantastic. I love the setting and the sense of doom from the very beginning. I do think the whole story is a bit grosser than it needs to be. I’m not sure it adds anything to have the fetus on display, the eyes pecked out, or the bears eating her head. The heart of the story lies in the mistakes made, the loss, and the ironic betrayal. I think if you focus on the that, with a rewrite this could be excellent.”

“Very well done. Great imagery, wonderful scene and action description. But I think there’s too much of Mark talking. You could cut all his dialogue on page 4, and a bit more besides. You don’t need the page 2 cutaway to the bear; I’d like it better if you just had the bear lumber out of the bushes unexpectedly. No need to foreshadow it. Also, the telephone message at the end is confusing. Who exactly is this calling? Who would offer this combination of comments: on the one hand talking about recording a drug transaction, and then talking about something as personal as naming the baby? But still a fine script.”

“I was riveted, and the twist was superb.”

“A special-effects man’s dream or nightmare—depending on how he likes a challenge. Very entertaining presentation of deluxe gore. Retribution, big time. Puts money in its place—brush ants or burn. Label MALE voice on the phone so skim readers catch it immediately. Maybe too much in the phone message to be fulfilled by one person—her child’s father? Her colleague in law enforcement? Or did I miss the point completely?”

“Nice work. The gruesome and ironic ending was very well done. The suspense offered by the possibility of rescue was well played. The long narrative at the beginning was a bit hard to gear up for, but once I started it, the flow worked for me.”

“Nice job. I loved how he kept trying to use the money to solve his problems, but in the end it did nothing. Very powerful.”

“you’re a sick sick person and I love it! this was gruesome and horrifying and twisted and sick and I want to see it! I’d do another pass at Mark’s dialouge to see you can find more creative ways at getting the exposition out rather than just having him spell it out verbatim.

LOVE the bit about the baby….twisted and delicious.”

“Good, but ending was not satisfying. It seemed to exist just to provide a twist in the plot rather than being inevitable from what had previously happened. Some foreshadowing, perhaps?”

“Im sorry, but I just didnt get this piece.

It just seemed like an extended exercise in torture – Saw without any of the backstory if you will.

Yes, we get it that Mark was mixed up in some bad things – but then the only thing that happens for the rest of the story is gross out comeupance. We get no backstory, no real reason to care for him one way or another – either to feel bad or root that he gets whats coming to him.

And we dont even find out enough about what led him here for this to be a message film. Unless the message is dont get yourself mixed up in some generic badness or youll get eaten by bears, that is.

And the fetus impaled on the twig? Why, man, why? Im a hard man to make cringe, but that was over the top. She couldve been dead without having the baby ripped from her and we still wouldve gotten the point.

I think the thing that really got to me about this script was that the violence was excessively over the top, gory and disturbing – and though that works, there needs to be some substance, some reason for depicting things that way (a message usually). And in your script I saw absolutely no reason why it had to be that grotesque. It just seemed like violence to shock, violence for violence sake.

Setting that aside, your writing was good – not excessively wordy and easy to follow. I would definitely get rid of the Cut to: Bears drinking part, though. This is Mark’s story, and theres no reason to cut away from that. Right now, all it accomplishes is planting the bear idea in the audiences head – it may work better if that comes as a surprise at the end anyways.

With some work (perhaps expanding enough to actually make us care, or show us enough about Mark to warrant the depiction) I think I could like this script a lot more. As it stands, its well written, but I found it lacking in the story department and excessively, excessively, unwarrantedly gory.”

“I really enjoyed this script. The descriptions were excellent. I could visualized the carnage right up to the end. A very good twist at the end when the cell phone rings, the bear hits the speakerphone and you find out that Anna had betrayed Mark. However, I think before you faded out you should have had Mark react to that revelation.

Overall through an excellent script!”

“That was an interesting read. A bit on the gorey side and sometimes, I think unintentionally, humourous. For the most part it was good. I thought occasionally the dialogue was a bit on the nose, like when he was talking to Anna. At other times you went way over the top with the action. When the crow pecked at Anna’s eye, it should have upset me – but instead I chuckled. The twist was unexpected. Good work but I think you need to tone it down a bit.”

“Interesting twist at the end, but I’m not sure how it makes me feel. Or, at least, I don’t have one over-riding response to it. What was the misdeed exactly? Mark’s lack of care driving on the road or Anna betrayal of him?”

“Sad, tortured, real, real results to real choices.”

“A lot of the description can be eliminated or streamlined. For instance, the description of the accident scene at the beginning can easily be described in a few sentences. Also, be careful of using too much gore – or you risk a comedic reaction. For instance, after Anna’s eyeballs have been pecked out and fluid sucked by 50-100 crows, Mark looks at her and tells her “you’re the best thing that ever happened to me”. True statement, but not sure it fits the moment. Good try for the twist at the end. Everyone’s a villian in this one, even Mom and Dad.”

“Extremely well done. Interesting premise and I’ll admit, I got a bit sqeamish at times during the depictions. A tough shoot but excellent writing. I loved that you forced him to put the money up in smoke – great visual. I never like when there has to be a monologue to give exposition or back story and maybe a missed opportunity was the cell phone. Maybe Mark uses the cell phone to record what really happened in case help doesn’t arrive in time? I think the message could still play at the end and this way he could really be speaking for a purpose. Other than that, a solid response to the challenge and a very engaging read. Excellent work. A top contender for sure.”

“Great title.
Everything in the story worked very well but you need to fix this slightly,
Mama bear turns, steps on the phone, hits the speaker button.

The resolution banks on this happening. I found it hard to swallow because a bears paw would pulverize the phone.

Great punchline.

True horror is about waiting for the inevitable to happen but not knowing how soon. I loved it. One of the best horror scripts I’ve read so far at moviepoet.

The pacing is excellent but the dialogs need to be more precise without sounding repetitive (he screams out her name many times and repeats its his fault) or very revealing.

Technically I could not see any glaring faults.

Well done.”

“If Anna is so “obviously” dead, why does Mark call for her? If Mark is “one of the cool guys”, tears come easy for him. Why wouldn’t Mark throw the motorcycle off and crawl (even with both legs broken)?”

“This one started out kind of jumbled, then got sadistic. The way things were going, I was surprised that one of the cubs didn’t start munching on the fetus. My obvious revulsion aside, let me make some technical suggestions.
There was a lot of unnecessary details and redundancy in your action & scene descriptions. (Unnecessary: bright red motorcycle. Redundant: grotesquely angled/obviously busted legs.) And also some things that cannot be shown or known. (One of the cool guys, memories come back.) There are also a good amount of (parenthenticals) that are either wrong or totally unnecessary.
(Don’t write (yelling), just put the words he’s yelling in CAPS like you did in a later instance.)
I usually cringe whenever I see a character talking to himself for more than a line or two. The dialogue’s usually either badly written, or it’s just a cheap way to get in some exposition. In this case, it was both.
And the end?… Besides being sadistic, it was also forced and confusing at the same time. The forced being that whole coincidence with the bear stepping on the phone. The confusing being that the information the VOICE ON THE PHONE gave us. (If this is that Rick guy, you should have had him say, “Hey, Anna… It’s Rick.) Is Rick a cop?… Was Anna a cop?… Was Anna’s Dad a cop?… Was Mark a cop?… Oh, heck. Was the Bear a cop?… It’s all very confusing to me.
There’s a lot of room for improvement here. Good luck and keep writing.”

“It was disturbing and well written, you set the creepy ambiance and I really got all creeped out, easy to direct…You know how to do this! Great Job.”

“As a reader I would suggest re-writing the descriptive sentences to remove the repetiveness such as the use of 14 “looks”, & 4 “stares”. Granted there’s not a whole lot he can do in his position but look and glance and stare and peek, but you can word it differently while not choreographing every one of his lines of view. Mark’s dialogue gives us the information we need about his feelings for Anna and his guilt, makes me sympathize for him, but at times it’s too wordy. As a viewer I’m pulled into this story right away because he’s trapped, there’s money, and she’s dead. The tension rises when you introduce the bear and cubs. You create an eerie tension as well when he unknowingly calls out to the bear. The ending was unexpected…you did a great job diverting my attention with the action going on that I was not expecting the cell phone reveal: She set him up and it’s not even his baby. I was engaged by the story but was not left satisfied with the ironic ending. It would be more effective if she would have lived, then he found out the truth before being devoured alive. Thanks for sharing.”

“The descriptions were excellent, as was the story. It had a great pace and was quite vivid.

I did not like Mark’s dialogue or his confessional. It sounded awkward and didn’t fit with the tale you were weaving. This is a case where I would use FLASHBACK for the backstory. They wouldn’t need to be complete scenes, but quick and hitting, just like the script itself.

I also didn’t buy the VOICE ON PHONE – that’s a heck-of-a lot of speaking without ever hearing “hello”. A scene with the detectives/dad celebrating speaking about the birth would be great, going back to the eating of the eyeballs.

I understand that my two criticisms would take your story out of the “woods”, but I think you have the a great “twisted” tale here, and it can be an excellent short.”

“A solo piece for a virtuoso actor. The stage directions strike me as overly gruesome, but the digital people will have a field day. However, I think that we cna get the point without going so far and vividly. Excessive and almost lovingly detailed gore drives an audience out of what you want to say – and that is valid. I pull back and lose track of what’s really happening.

The piece coheres, though, and the ending with the CELL PHONE provides a cruel irony.

The title needs work. It says nothing about the nature of the piece.”

short / horror

Mother’s Milk

This is a very rough first draft. It was written in a hurry for the OWC at SS. The assignment was horror/ milk.

It needs a lot of rewriting since it leaves readers with lots of questions. Some of the action scenes need reworking as well since some people thought it bordered on comedic. Other than that it went over well.

Dark Side of Man.pdf

short / horror

Jordan Wiebe aka Flyboy asked me if I would be interested in writing a long/short for a horror anthology he was putting together with some other people.  He said it was to be a “GrindHouse” type thing called Buckets of Blood. I answered, sure no problem. Since I’m such a “cool” person I had to look up what Grindhouse meant. I know, I know….

Anyway, this is what I came up with. If you read it and think I’m totally demented afterwards, just know that I got it all from real news. I just toned it down some.