Love Letters

Love Letters mp3

This was something I wrote for the One Week Challenge at SS in July -08. The assignment was to use the lie “the guys at the post office are never going to believe this.

end-of-the-tour.pdf 1 page.

End of the tour.mp3

by Pia

A young man comes back from Iraq only to find out that things have changed.

This was something I wrote for another unofficial competition. I placed in the top third.

Old Wounds
by

Pia

–A lonely man’s old wounds continues to hurt until one day he cannot stand it any more and decides to end the pain once and for all.–

This script is being produced by two different filmmakers.

Gimme Credit’s judge’s comments and scores:

TITLE

Old Wounds

JUDGE #1

JUDGE #2

STORY/STRUCTURE

8

6

DIALOGUE

7.5

5.5

CHARACTER

7

6

FEASIBILITY

7.5

7.5

ENDING

8

7

SUBTOTAL

38

32

COMPETITION TOTAL

70

NOTES:

#1

Wow! I wasn’t expecting that ending. Very scary but very powerful. I still think you could shorten the script further. You pack a lot into five pages. Remove some of the unnecessary description. We do not need to be aware of every single detail, just enough so that we understand the character and the scenario. Well done.

#2

Your title and the characters words and give away everything he is about to do. Attempt to write in a more cinematic way with more visual actions. As it is, it is quite a slow read. Intriguing idea; just needs more suspense/tension. Tell us more about this guy.

Remember, these are simply our opinions. Please read them, digest them and then throw them out when you next sit down to write!

Additional clarification on feasibility: Feasibility is how easy or hard it is to actually produce something based on money and resources needed. To take examples that we have actually had in our competition: a score of 10 in feasibility would be a script that has no special effects and takes place with few actors in one room of a typical middle-income house. That would typically be an easy shoot. A score of 1 in feasibility would be a thirty page drama that has explosions and scenes with emergency responders taking place in fifteen different locations, including synagogues, post offices, hospitals and outside on the streets of Tel Aviv.

All of that is not to say that we would purposefully choose the easier one to produce. Indeed the former script placed as a Finalist (not only because of its feasibility scores, obviously) and the latter was our Second Place Winner in Cycle I.

Feasibility is part of our judging criteria because as producers we need to know what it will take to produce each script and as writers each of you need to know that as well. Some writers will include scenes that add thousands or even tens of thousands of dollars to a production without knowing what they are doing, i.e. a scene on an airplane or airport for a character to deliver one line. While it is crucial that writers write with no budgetary restraints in mind, when it comes time to looking over scripts, keep in mind that a location here and there may be able to be combined without any sacrifice of story. This makes the script more attractive to potential production companies.

This was my entry to MoviePoet’s October challenge, One person only. There were 53 entries and despite a good score it did not place.

My scores:
Poor: 0% Fair: 12% Good: 31% Very Good: 50% Excellent: 8%

The Comments:

“An interesting read. Quite liked the ‘reunion’ reveal. There’s a clear build-up of, if not tension, then certainly intrigue and though that dissipates as we learn the nature of what’s in the box early, there’s enough there to wonder just how and why he’s doing it. Dodgy subject matter, but a good read nevertheless.”

“Very bold topic to tackle. Well done. And I hope this isn’t a cry for help…cause I don’t want to be talking to CNN about how you seemed like a very nice person in our screenwriting forum!”

“This is really good…and oddly very much like something that happened in Florida last week! (the guy was caught before carrying it out) I had to read the more technical aspects a couple of times but you made clear what was going on very quickly. Nice twist at the end.”

“This was pretty enjoyable. It seemed like you weren’t going to get around to revealing the contents of the letter, so I was glad to see that you did. Nice little tale of revenge. Good work.”

“You have nearly two pages with no dialogue. I’m not mad, not mad at all, just thought i’d point that out. That you had two pages where i read and read and read your descriptions…with no dialogue.

im kidding, im such a drama queen. But if you want to keep a reader interested, especially one with A.D.D, like me…i dont know, maybe add some dialogue.

It was a great story with the high school reunion thing and i’m glad i finished it. But by the time i knew what he was doing, i wasn’t interested because it just took me awhile to get there. And, i have to be honest, if i wasn’t required to read all that, i probably wouldn’t have.

i’d sugest to take some of what he does out. Only the things that don’t HAVE TO BE placed in there. I hope my comments were suggestive, even though they were filled with hate. (i kid, i kid)”

“I liked this a lot. I had to race through it to find out what was going to happen. The ending was excellent in revealing Stuart’s shocking plans.
Best to avoid the parentheticals. Stuart’s actions and speech should tell us how he’s feeling.
Sometimes his speech was a little on the nose, but you got away (as many others haven’t!) with him talking to himself and it not being too far-fetched.
Good stuff.”

“I thought this was very good.
Revenge is always a great emotion to explore. Your craft is excellent and this was a good read.
In a way though, I was hoping for something different at the end. A long suffering high school student, feels a little obvious. It didn’t make it bad. I certainly believe it. I just wanted to be surprised by the ending.
I think if you could do that it would be excellent.”

“I thought this was excellent! It was written well enough to keep me in the story the whole time.
Then when I realized he was making some kind of a bomb it got my attention. I didn’t know what or where it was going but when we got to the ending it was satisfying.
I liked the cat, you made him human by having a cat.
The diaglouge wasn’t too much and the action was just right!
I think this might be the highest score I gave so far. I have read 31 one and yours got to the top of my heap.
Good luck!”

“It started off slow – it seemed like you could have started on Page 2 and not lost anything in the story.
Once Stuart got to making his bombs, the pace was quick and interesting, his dialogue giving us a good clue as to his mindset.”

“Good build up and premise, but ultimately, it lead nowhere.
Stuart was pretty interesting as a lead, and I would’ve like to see him pontificating more than talking to himself about those who have it coming.
He’s obviously put a lot of though and energy into this, it would’ve been nice to see that realization that he has no choice but do this, some type of crazy moment of acceptance.
But when we enter his life, he’s already come to this conclusion, so there’s no real conflict, despite the body count he hopes to inflict.
The narratives have a nice flow to them, and the moments where he constructs the bombs have a nice understated menace to them.
Good work, just needs a little more characterization.”

“Raised score for a good level of detail was knocked down a little by starting most of the action with – He.
Pacing bogs down a little as we learn how to make a pipe bomb.
Title fits well.”

“Well paced. There was good set up here for the ending.”

“twisted and awesome! loved this.”

“You do a good job at describing what is going on and even illustrating why Stuart is making the bomb. But I think it would have served the script better if Stuart showed more emotion. He seems to robotic. Listing the grivences isn’t cutting it we need to see some emotion from Stuart.”

“Nicely done. Clever approach to the challenge and a great twist.”

“Written well. Story does not grab me. I’ve read several of these types along the way here about someone getting revenge in some way, so it’s not new. Guy is definitely deranged. It was hard for me to believe that the 10-year reunion would trigger this kind of thing. A little closer to high school would have been better, maybe.”

“Wow. Dark but very compelling. I thought it was very impressive to show him petting the cat and living humbly. I think you brilliantly led us down a path, revealing more and more of the character while Stuart lamented the wrongdoings he endured in his past. This was powerful and well constructed. I must admit, the whole vest thing had me thinking of the Virginia Tech incident and it made me cringe a bit at the events that lead people to do things like this. Still, a nicely written piece.”

“A very good story. I enjoyed it.
Good job with the opening setting. I could really picture his trailer life.
I liked how you took your time to describe things. It kept me turning the page.
Good ending also.”

“Liked the ending. But I thought the pacing needed improvement ad the writing could be tighter. This would work way better at 3 pages.”

“What starts out as an interesting character study quickly makes way for a fairly mediocre plot about high school nerd (probably) wanting revenge by explosive pipe bomb means.

You set this up quite well and the suspense about the letter was quite good. The pipe bomb making seemed too movie like, if that is a valid criticism.

Is there something in his background that involved making bombs or dealing with explosives? If you have seen Gus Van Sant’s “Elephant” about the columbine shootings then you know the drab process that showed the boys firing their rifles in the garage.

Maybe Stuart tries the bomb on his cat, to see if it works. Maybe he blows himself up. I want more tension because currently you move from plot point to plot point, except at the beginning. Something prevents him from getting the bombs made.

Maybe the literature that he ordered was actually a con and when he tries one bomb it goes “pfft.”

You have the skills to write a good story and great characters, then why not go for some off the track drama?

Technically you are fine.”

“You kept me guessing until the end. This is a sad tale of revenge though. I wish he’d been packing something else in the box. Maybe letters of forgiveness. Yeah I’m a sap. But I really think if the world would forgive more it would be a better place. I realize this guy had wounds, but to take out all those who hurt him, only hurts himself more. Like I said, sad tale.
I think the script would be helped if you added an element of mystery to it. Eliminate his dialogue. Maybe have him just cross names off a list as he makes the bombs. Or have him putting x’s on pictures in an old yearbook. This way you can make the reveal even more powerful, as we don’t know what he is doing until the very end.”

“This is a nicely written script, the descriptions were written well. I picked up early on it was a high school reunion. This story is so true that sometimes in school, kids can be so cruel and mean. Some pick up and move on, but some harbor the pain. (which may not be their choice) A story like this is a reminder that we should be nice or at least courteous to one another. Nice job.”

“Sinster. Chilling. Fine character study.”

“I was liking Stuart until he became a crazed, suicide bomber. Good set up and a solid finish.”

“It’s very obvious from the begining what is happening. Having said that, I don’t know how I feel about it?? Does it detract from the story? I don’t know.

“The descriptions of Stuart and his life were superb, from the trailer to his cat. Well done.”

“This is a great premise. We all look back to those people who screwed us over, but Stuart has even better reasons to be angry. There is nice detail and a director and cameraman would have a field day shooting this – the entrances, exits, making bombs, etc.

I do think you waste your first page. I wish you’d plunge right into the bomb making and grab us right off. You ease us into your story. It needs a little punch and drama. Right now it is a sequential narrative, story telling – rather than drama. It needs the ebb and flow of a series of conflicts. Maybe he relents, then gets angry again or let’s someone off the hook. The material is there. It needs more dramatic sequencing.”

Fears and Fetishes
by Pia

Rewritten version.

Years of therapy isn’t always an answer. Sometimes it’s just a matter of finding the right one for you.

The results are in from the August competition at MoviePoet. The assignment was Phobia.

The comments were mixed, but none too negative. Still somehow I got a lower score than I had hoped. I can see where I erred. The only thing I don’t get is why someone voted “poor”. Poor to me means really bad. Incoherent story, format way off or way too many typos. I don’t feel that this script fit the bill for any of those.

Here are the results for this script.

Poor Fair Good Very Good Excellent
4% 25% 46% 14% 11%

“You have some very sweet moments here. Douglas is an endearing character, and I love that losing the toupee meant meeting someone who liked him au naturel. I guessed almost immediately that Douglas was in love with Catherine, but I enjoyed their dialogue.

I think your descriptions can be trimmed in places. For example: “Angered and embarrassed Douglas jumps up and covers the top of his head with his hands.” Here, Douglas’ actions and the previous discussion of his phobias is enough to let us know that he’d be both angry and embarrassed. So I think you can leave out the “Angered and embarrassed” and just put in his action.”

“Nice to see things work out for Douglas. While he sort of serendipitously backed into a happy ending, I think on film this would be a hit.”

“That was very entertaining & enjoyable. Great sense of humor and pacing. Nice job.”

“This was an engaging tale with some good dialogue.

I’m sorry to say I knew from the moment Catherine says:

“You’ve been coming here for over a
year now… I think you’re ready to
ask this woman out.”
…I knew what was going to happen!
It was good that it turned out well for Douglas, but again that was kinda predictable. He didn’t seeem to have a phobia as such – just be nervous of women.
The toupee came out of nowhere!”

“I liked the setup and I had a lot of sympathy for Douglas, but the ending was very Deus Ex Machina. I wish Douglas had done something to “earn” Brenda’s affection.

It’s a very sweet story and I think with a stronger more natural ending it could be lovely.”

“I felt sorry for the character of Douglas but at the end it all turned down really well.”

“The story started off slow, Douglas and Catherine repeating themselves a number of times. I did like the little twist of Douglas approaching his therapist, but not a great surprise. The ending was a little too easy and I think it would be more powerful if he instigated the action rather than just goes along with the scene.
A number of typos/grammatical errors.”

“This is very good, I liked the concept behind the story.”

“A bit far fetched with the ending. It wouldn’t quite happen as such.
I knew after reading the first half of the first page that Douglas was attracted to Catherine. This dragged the story a little.

I didn’t really feel this phobia worked for me. Originally it is said he has a fear of women so, why would he be comfortable with seeing a woman therapist?

The phobia wasn’t strong and that was the challenge.

Good little story otherwise and I enjoyed reading it.”

“I like happy stories. This one was very simple and maybe too predictable for “true art” but I enjoyed it. Cute where kids grabbed off Doug’s wig. Maybe if the gal who liked him fuzzy-wuzzy showed up at the first of the script and they passed on the stairs completely oblivious to each other or spoke routinely without really noticing the other, then the latter part of the script wouldn’t seem “tacked on.””

“Very cute and sweet. I can’t really find anything to improve on this one. It sounds like a condensed romantic comedy, in all the right ways.”

“Entertaining script.The first twist (that Catherine was the one he loved) gave itself away a little too easily, but I loved that the script didnt pivot on that point and you were able to go places with it even after that.

There were a few tense and possession typos (he’s vs. his), but nothing too glaring.

The only main thing that I had a problem with was the length of time that Douglas had been seeing Catherine. If they had been talking about these issues and the girl he loves for a year, a professional psychiatrist would probably be able to figure out that he was fantasizing over her, or at least that he wasnt being very truthful about who he loved. Also, in therapy over a year, I figured the fact that she was married(or seeing someone) would have probably come up. These issues could psossibly be fixed just by not mentioning that he had been going there over a year – the audience could still get the severity of his problem without you spelling that out.

One last thing – naming the character Meek was a bit too much for me. You accomplish his disposition well in your description and dialogue, why hit us over the head with the name when it could stand alone?”

“You had a couple of typos in the script. First it should have been Catherine watches, not watch as the car droves off. And second when Douglas is entering the apartment it should have been his baby fuzz hair, not he’s baby fuzz hair. You just need to be more careful when proofreading the script.

I don’t know if I would have gone with him being in love with his therapist. I would assume he would have known from the beginning that as Catherine’s patient they couldn’t have had a romantic relationship.

And while you start the script off with a fear of rejection perhaps since you ended up, with what I believe is the fact that Douglas is afraid women won’t find him attractive because he is bald, that should have been the fear you concentrate on instead.

You do a good job of moving the script along and the descriptive part is also done well.”

“I liked the premise. A strong conflict was quickly introduced here. And with a nice little twist thrown in the mix; I saw it coming, but enjoyed it nonetheless. I felt sorry for the guy, and half way through the script I was rooting for him.

The resolution didn’t live up to the set-up’s quality though. I know there isn’t much you can do in just 5 pages, but Brenda’s apparition was too convenient and a cheap way out.

She’s so straightforward that the major dramatic question (Will the protagonist overcome his fear of women?) is practically removed instead of answered. Brenda was likable, but with a girl like that, hitting directly of him, his insecurity was no longer much of an issue in the story’s outcome.

Hope that helps, good luck.”

“Great job!

From the setup I was expecting something to happen with him and his psychologist but I wasn’t expecting her to be the woman he was smitten with. I thought he would find her at the end.

If I had one problem with this it was with the end. I thought the ending to too neat, too packaged. But it didn’t bother me all that much.

Good work!”

“I feel like I’ve heard this story before and I guessed on page 1 that Douglas was in love with Catherine. That said, this could’ve been better if it hadn’t peaked on page 3 when Douglas is rejected. Everything after that felt like it was just a consolation prize for Douglas. It also felt like a second story started at the bottom of page 3, rather than one 5-page story. If Brenda is the person Douglas is really meant to be with, she should be introduced earlier in the script. Maybe she’s Catherine’s secretary or her sister (and we see a photo of her on Catherine’s desk, Douglas and Catherine could even discuss it). If we THINK that Douglas is really interested in Catherine, a twist could be worked in to the story where Douglas shows up at Catherine’s house, Catherine thinks Douglas is really there for him (awkward moment) but, he asks to see her sister instead.”

“Other than a few “wrylies,” it was excellent. Using single lines of dialogue to simulate shots is also good, but sometimes, this isn’t the case. ei. “Awkward moment.”
Nice twist at the end. The skateboarders incidentally set up a happy ending, and everyone loves a happy ending!”

“Although Catherine was the obvious target of Doug’s affection, it was nice how you brought Brenda in to save him. Some type-o’s.”

“There’s nothing necessarily wrong with this script but I felt that everything was just static. Catherine may be attractive but if he’s been going to see her for a year and the best she can offer to him is: “What’s the worst that can happen?” They obviosuly haven’t been working on anything. She could say that in their first session. The appearance on her doorstep was no surprise but the stereotype of the other Man being everything Douglas is not just carries it too heavily in terms of predictability. You make several mentions of him working on his hair and he doesn’t seem at all uncomfortable with it or it doesn’t even seem to be a toupe. Why would the skateboarders be compelled to take it if it’s not conspicuous? The Brenda conversation brings closure and I’m glad things work out but it is a bit convenient and Douglas doesn’t really overcome anything. Overall, you had a phobia and a response to the challenge. I just didn’t have a strong response to the story.”

“To me, the opening scene seemed to drag a little bit, but once he showed up at his doctor’s door, it picked up.

There were several grammatical/typo errors.

I really liked the structure of the story, the way you laid it out. I could picture the characters clearly.
Good job”

“I didn’t see his crush for his doc so bravo for that twist. Not sure I like the ending but at least it’s happy.

Overall, well done.”

“This is a sweet little love story and you have very realistic characters here.

I wanted more drama, however. You start of well but I figured out he was in love with Catherine because you provided the clues. If you could have maybe twisted that plot and make her fall in love with him or have her own fear then there would be more pacing to add to the drama.

The resolution should have been brought about by Douglas’ own actions rather than your introduction of Brenda. Let him make the first move. I like the fact that he does not shy away from her but what else makes him heroic besides the fact that he has now learnt to overcome his fear. Did the rejection bring this change?

Try and avoid adverbs in your descriptions because your dialogs delver the emotions very well.

Technically you are fine.

Good job.”

“This was a great story. The dialog and descriptions were well written and the story paced nicely. Facing his fear, rejection and humiliation paid off for him in the end. Great story and great read.”

“Okay, kinda like this one although it’s been done a thousand times. Douglas has that sympathetic feel about him and we sort of want him to do good by the end. Good overall writing, pace and getting the scenes described well.”

“Couple quick thoughts.

I don’t think the psychiatrist would stroke his hair. That took me out of the story.

“He flirts with himself in the mirror.” I’d describe what he actually does instead of just saying he “flirts” with himself. Plus, in this “getting ready” scene, he seems like a different person than in the first scene. Seems too confident.

It’s a nice little story, but the events almost seem too random.

Also, I think her line at the end should read… “I love rubbing their…”"

“Ok, but far too obvious.”

“Well written. On the most part predictable, and comes off more cute than compelling. You would think after having sessions for a year that he would have asked about her social life, but at the same time it makes the character seem complex with denial. Again well written, nicely paced.”

“This one’s almost there. I feel the bridge between Douglas’ humiliation and the neat end twist is weak. The two halves don’t quite fit together.

What if when Douglas loses his hairpiece, he realizes that Catherine has been treating him for the wrong phobia – being seen bald? Then a line like, “That stupid bitch was treating me for the wrong phobia!” Then he sneaks home via alleys and backways to finally meet Brenda.

Just an idea.”

Misdeed     Misdeed mp3
Rewrite      Listen to

Misdeed
Original

This was my entry to Moviepoet for July 2007. I have rewritten it, but I may do another rewrite depending on what Kirk White of Plaidwall Productions think about this version. He has expressed interest in filming this. He is in LA and has already put up notice for actors on Craigslist and got plenty of responses as well. He called this “extreme horror”. I guess I won’t be showing him some of my more violent scripts…

The scores:
Poor Fair Good Very Good Excellent
7% 7% 39% 25% 21%

These were the comments from MoviePoet:

“This was very good right from the start especially with how Mark finds out about Anna when the audience does. The clues are laid out very well. The only thing I would change would be Mark stopping the crows from attacking Anna till the very end. I kept imagining her dead face and then with them eating her eyes. Yuck. That’s good because the visual is strong, but I’ve read (and it makes sense to me) that people want to remember a story for the good emotional outcome not the bad. I think the connection that Mark and Jamie hold even though she is dead would be marred if her face became disfigured by the crows at the beginning.

Maybe Mark could succeed in doing whatever he can to protect her till he couldn’t anymore cause of the bears attacking him. He tries to do in the story but fails right from the start. Maybe also just a polish on the dialogue but doesnt need much work It’s just a few ideas but otherwise loved this story–best one so far. Thanks.”

“I like the idea here. Some of the dialogue is a bit on the nose, especially all the exposition about the theft. The ending reminded me a bit of that short story, The Interlopers, where the warring neighbors get eaten by wolves.

For me, the ending was a bit convenient. I don’t know if I really believe that the bear would step on the phone in such a way as to turn on the speaker function but not crush it.”

“Good work! I enjoyed it. Nice job creating an incredibly tense situation and a great deal of suspense in only 5 pages. I’m a big fan of unhappy endings because they’re harder to see coming so I thuroughly enjoyed this from start to finish. Great job!”

“Good set up of the scene. I liked the idea that he was using money to swat ants and make fires.

I wasn’t too grossed out by the pecking and the chewing either. The thing I suppose that I DID find hard to stomach was Mark talking to his dead girlfriend, which somehow didn’t quite ring true.”

“Well written, nicely paced, interesting story. Really liked this, knowing the bear was coming, his having to helplessly watch nature devour her, the phone message at the end causing a reversal. Great stuff.

That said, I think it still needs a bit of work. His orations explaining what’s happened is just too convenient, too much exposition. Why not do it in flashback. He’s in excruciating pain and could have short, vivid flashbacks showing everything that he now “says”.

Also, the bear stepping on the phone is too convenient. Maybe it rings and he reaches for it with a stick and the speaker phone button is hit. Like the idea, just not the execution.

Finally, does he get eaten in the end? If so it seems along with the sounds of a human feast we’d hear his screams of agony.

Noticed two typos:
His eyes darts
He yells on top of his lungs.

Still, a really good and interesting story, nicely written. I think with a few changes this could be killer.
Good luck.”

“This is a great story. The twist at the end is fantastic. I love the setting and the sense of doom from the very beginning. I do think the whole story is a bit grosser than it needs to be. I’m not sure it adds anything to have the fetus on display, the eyes pecked out, or the bears eating her head. The heart of the story lies in the mistakes made, the loss, and the ironic betrayal. I think if you focus on the that, with a rewrite this could be excellent.”

“Very well done. Great imagery, wonderful scene and action description. But I think there’s too much of Mark talking. You could cut all his dialogue on page 4, and a bit more besides. You don’t need the page 2 cutaway to the bear; I’d like it better if you just had the bear lumber out of the bushes unexpectedly. No need to foreshadow it. Also, the telephone message at the end is confusing. Who exactly is this calling? Who would offer this combination of comments: on the one hand talking about recording a drug transaction, and then talking about something as personal as naming the baby? But still a fine script.”

“I was riveted, and the twist was superb.”

“A special-effects man’s dream or nightmare—depending on how he likes a challenge. Very entertaining presentation of deluxe gore. Retribution, big time. Puts money in its place—brush ants or burn. Label MALE voice on the phone so skim readers catch it immediately. Maybe too much in the phone message to be fulfilled by one person—her child’s father? Her colleague in law enforcement? Or did I miss the point completely?”

“Nice work. The gruesome and ironic ending was very well done. The suspense offered by the possibility of rescue was well played. The long narrative at the beginning was a bit hard to gear up for, but once I started it, the flow worked for me.”

“Nice job. I loved how he kept trying to use the money to solve his problems, but in the end it did nothing. Very powerful.”

“you’re a sick sick person and I love it! this was gruesome and horrifying and twisted and sick and I want to see it! I’d do another pass at Mark’s dialouge to see you can find more creative ways at getting the exposition out rather than just having him spell it out verbatim.

LOVE the bit about the baby….twisted and delicious.”

“Good, but ending was not satisfying. It seemed to exist just to provide a twist in the plot rather than being inevitable from what had previously happened. Some foreshadowing, perhaps?”

“Im sorry, but I just didnt get this piece.

It just seemed like an extended exercise in torture – Saw without any of the backstory if you will.

Yes, we get it that Mark was mixed up in some bad things – but then the only thing that happens for the rest of the story is gross out comeupance. We get no backstory, no real reason to care for him one way or another – either to feel bad or root that he gets whats coming to him.

And we dont even find out enough about what led him here for this to be a message film. Unless the message is dont get yourself mixed up in some generic badness or youll get eaten by bears, that is.

And the fetus impaled on the twig? Why, man, why? Im a hard man to make cringe, but that was over the top. She couldve been dead without having the baby ripped from her and we still wouldve gotten the point.

I think the thing that really got to me about this script was that the violence was excessively over the top, gory and disturbing – and though that works, there needs to be some substance, some reason for depicting things that way (a message usually). And in your script I saw absolutely no reason why it had to be that grotesque. It just seemed like violence to shock, violence for violence sake.

Setting that aside, your writing was good – not excessively wordy and easy to follow. I would definitely get rid of the Cut to: Bears drinking part, though. This is Mark’s story, and theres no reason to cut away from that. Right now, all it accomplishes is planting the bear idea in the audiences head – it may work better if that comes as a surprise at the end anyways.

With some work (perhaps expanding enough to actually make us care, or show us enough about Mark to warrant the depiction) I think I could like this script a lot more. As it stands, its well written, but I found it lacking in the story department and excessively, excessively, unwarrantedly gory.”

“I really enjoyed this script. The descriptions were excellent. I could visualized the carnage right up to the end. A very good twist at the end when the cell phone rings, the bear hits the speakerphone and you find out that Anna had betrayed Mark. However, I think before you faded out you should have had Mark react to that revelation.

Overall through an excellent script!”

“That was an interesting read. A bit on the gorey side and sometimes, I think unintentionally, humourous. For the most part it was good. I thought occasionally the dialogue was a bit on the nose, like when he was talking to Anna. At other times you went way over the top with the action. When the crow pecked at Anna’s eye, it should have upset me – but instead I chuckled. The twist was unexpected. Good work but I think you need to tone it down a bit.”

“Interesting twist at the end, but I’m not sure how it makes me feel. Or, at least, I don’t have one over-riding response to it. What was the misdeed exactly? Mark’s lack of care driving on the road or Anna betrayal of him?”

“Sad, tortured, real, real results to real choices.”

“A lot of the description can be eliminated or streamlined. For instance, the description of the accident scene at the beginning can easily be described in a few sentences. Also, be careful of using too much gore – or you risk a comedic reaction. For instance, after Anna’s eyeballs have been pecked out and fluid sucked by 50-100 crows, Mark looks at her and tells her “you’re the best thing that ever happened to me”. True statement, but not sure it fits the moment. Good try for the twist at the end. Everyone’s a villian in this one, even Mom and Dad.”

“Extremely well done. Interesting premise and I’ll admit, I got a bit sqeamish at times during the depictions. A tough shoot but excellent writing. I loved that you forced him to put the money up in smoke – great visual. I never like when there has to be a monologue to give exposition or back story and maybe a missed opportunity was the cell phone. Maybe Mark uses the cell phone to record what really happened in case help doesn’t arrive in time? I think the message could still play at the end and this way he could really be speaking for a purpose. Other than that, a solid response to the challenge and a very engaging read. Excellent work. A top contender for sure.”

“Great title.
Everything in the story worked very well but you need to fix this slightly,
Mama bear turns, steps on the phone, hits the speaker button.

The resolution banks on this happening. I found it hard to swallow because a bears paw would pulverize the phone.

Great punchline.

True horror is about waiting for the inevitable to happen but not knowing how soon. I loved it. One of the best horror scripts I’ve read so far at moviepoet.

The pacing is excellent but the dialogs need to be more precise without sounding repetitive (he screams out her name many times and repeats its his fault) or very revealing.

Technically I could not see any glaring faults.

Well done.”

“If Anna is so “obviously” dead, why does Mark call for her? If Mark is “one of the cool guys”, tears come easy for him. Why wouldn’t Mark throw the motorcycle off and crawl (even with both legs broken)?”

“This one started out kind of jumbled, then got sadistic. The way things were going, I was surprised that one of the cubs didn’t start munching on the fetus. My obvious revulsion aside, let me make some technical suggestions.
There was a lot of unnecessary details and redundancy in your action & scene descriptions. (Unnecessary: bright red motorcycle. Redundant: grotesquely angled/obviously busted legs.) And also some things that cannot be shown or known. (One of the cool guys, memories come back.) There are also a good amount of (parenthenticals) that are either wrong or totally unnecessary.
(Don’t write (yelling), just put the words he’s yelling in CAPS like you did in a later instance.)
I usually cringe whenever I see a character talking to himself for more than a line or two. The dialogue’s usually either badly written, or it’s just a cheap way to get in some exposition. In this case, it was both.
And the end?… Besides being sadistic, it was also forced and confusing at the same time. The forced being that whole coincidence with the bear stepping on the phone. The confusing being that the information the VOICE ON THE PHONE gave us. (If this is that Rick guy, you should have had him say, “Hey, Anna… It’s Rick.) Is Rick a cop?… Was Anna a cop?… Was Anna’s Dad a cop?… Was Mark a cop?… Oh, heck. Was the Bear a cop?… It’s all very confusing to me.
There’s a lot of room for improvement here. Good luck and keep writing.”

“It was disturbing and well written, you set the creepy ambiance and I really got all creeped out, easy to direct…You know how to do this! Great Job.”

“As a reader I would suggest re-writing the descriptive sentences to remove the repetiveness such as the use of 14 “looks”, & 4 “stares”. Granted there’s not a whole lot he can do in his position but look and glance and stare and peek, but you can word it differently while not choreographing every one of his lines of view. Mark’s dialogue gives us the information we need about his feelings for Anna and his guilt, makes me sympathize for him, but at times it’s too wordy. As a viewer I’m pulled into this story right away because he’s trapped, there’s money, and she’s dead. The tension rises when you introduce the bear and cubs. You create an eerie tension as well when he unknowingly calls out to the bear. The ending was unexpected…you did a great job diverting my attention with the action going on that I was not expecting the cell phone reveal: She set him up and it’s not even his baby. I was engaged by the story but was not left satisfied with the ironic ending. It would be more effective if she would have lived, then he found out the truth before being devoured alive. Thanks for sharing.”

“The descriptions were excellent, as was the story. It had a great pace and was quite vivid.

I did not like Mark’s dialogue or his confessional. It sounded awkward and didn’t fit with the tale you were weaving. This is a case where I would use FLASHBACK for the backstory. They wouldn’t need to be complete scenes, but quick and hitting, just like the script itself.

I also didn’t buy the VOICE ON PHONE – that’s a heck-of-a lot of speaking without ever hearing “hello”. A scene with the detectives/dad celebrating speaking about the birth would be great, going back to the eating of the eyeballs.

I understand that my two criticisms would take your story out of the “woods”, but I think you have the a great “twisted” tale here, and it can be an excellent short.”

“A solo piece for a virtuoso actor. The stage directions strike me as overly gruesome, but the digital people will have a field day. However, I think that we cna get the point without going so far and vividly. Excessive and almost lovingly detailed gore drives an audience out of what you want to say – and that is valid. I pull back and lose track of what’s really happening.

The piece coheres, though, and the ending with the CELL PHONE provides a cruel irony.

The title needs work. It says nothing about the nature of the piece.”

Shaking The Maple Leaf

This was something I wrote July 1st for a spur of the moment contest at DD. Assignment was Canada Day, five page max. Personally I think it turned out okay considering we only had eleven hours to write it.

Dream Painter
short / drama

by Pia

This was my March entry at Moviepoet. Some people really liked it, some thought it was okay, one person said it was like an urban Burning Bridges.

I will try to fix this one up some as soon as I have the time.

Do the Right Thing

by Pia

short / drama

This was my February entry at MoviePoet. The assignment was (V.O).

When I wrote this, I felt no connection to the story whatsoever. I was really surprised at people’s vote. Some called it excellent! I don’t think I see that myself, in fact I’m not even sure I wan’t to rewrite this one. Like I said, I feel no connection. Strange how everyone got such different tastes.

If you read this version, just realize that it’s a very rough first draft. Feel free to give me your thoughts on it. If and when I rewrite I will take your comments in consideration.

In Sickness and In Health .pdf

In Sickness and In Health listen to .mp3
short / drama

This was my first entry to MoviePoet’s monthly 5 page script competition, “Two People in one Room”. It may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it came naturally to me after having recently witnessed first hand the effects on a family when one important family member is struck by Alzheimer.

I’m not 100% sure yet, but I might attempt to make this one my first short film. It would be easy and inexpensive and is fairly high on drama. I’ll keep you posted.

Pia

Burning Bridges

Burning Bridges mp3 Go ahead and listen to it.

By Pia. To save himself and his younger brother a young boy resort to drastic measures. 5 pages, pdf.

This was originally written as an entry for the One Week Challenge at Simply Scripts, Drama/after the family BBQ. It was well received so I rewrote it and submitted it to Gimme Credit’s super short competition in the fall of -06. My first competition and it won! There were two judges and these were their scores:
Judge 1 Judge 2

9 9 Story/Structure

9 9 Dialogue

9 9 Character

4 7 Feasibility

8 9 Ending

Judge 1: Very sad. Moving. Well written characters and descriptions. I had a very clear picture of who everybody was and felt relieved when the house went up in flames.

Judge 2: Excellent, moving story. Very powerful. Watch the wording with the blood on the boys underwear–could be more specific without being more graphic. Well done!