Spirit Flight
Tuesday, January 27th, 2009Abandoned by his father as a child, a Man acquires an old WWII trainer plane then discovers he is forced to solve a crime and restore the honor of his father…
Here are the first comments on this script. As usual I need to do a boat load of rewrites.
OVERVIEW
Thanks for sharing your script with me. I love these stories that step outside of the ordinary, pull back the veils of the common experience, and open the doors to other possibilities. SPIRIT FLIGHT certainly does that. I liked that you used a plane as the door to this flight of fancy to an altered state. In some ways it brings to mind the movie, FREQUENCY, with Dennis Quaid.
You’ve taken a little creative jaunt through your story and you’ve put it down in a natural flow of ideas. That’s the fun and easy part. Now, the real work begins. While you have a natural sense of structure, you need to get more disciplined and make the story compelling with a stricter structure.
If I were you, I would ask myself two questions:
1. what does Jack want?
2. why does he want it?
At first blush, it seems that Jack wants to solve the mystery of the plane he just purchased that wigs out whenever he takes it up. The “Why” question is never addressed, though. Why does he want to solve this mystery? Once you ask this second question, you’ll find the weaknesses in the answer to the first question. The first question addresses plot; the second question addresses theme.
You have set up a back-story for Jack, but you never use it in a way that makes Jack feel like he’s challenged. I address many of these issues in the Page Notes. For instance:
1. how is it that Jack was led to the exact plane his father flew when he disappeared?
2. did Jack’s father work for the CIA full time? If so, why wouldn’t Jack know that?
3. when the plane starts acting up, does Jack’s altered-state experiences challenge his concept of reality at all?
4. why wouldn’t Jack just dump the plane and purchase another?
5. does Jack know that his father was a pilot? If so, would he be that enamored of flying himself?
6. why does Jack purchase the plane in the first place when it’s cheaper to rent?
There are a ton of questions like this. But, getting back to structure, once you know WHY Jack goes on his quest to figure out why the plane takes these little side trips to Hogswartland, you need to structure the Emotionally-Challenging Decisions he makes that serve two purposes:
1. move the plot forward;
2. challenge his value out of balance (theme).
What is his value out of balance? He feels that his father abandoned the family and is responsible for the resulting death of his brother. Jack has a sense of abandonment. Therefore, he wants to be the opposite. He wants to be the perfect husband and father. You don’t go in this direction, and I would like you to take a look at that. This little back-story jab is what drives his life!
In Jack’s potential desire to be the perfect husband and father, how does that limit him? How does that create limitations for him emotionally? When the plane starts acting up, how does that challenge Jack’s limitations? What happens to compel him to override those limitations and send him on this quest? What happens on this quest that forces him further outside the box of his limitations until he reaches the ends of possibilities as presented by these limitations? What revelation allows him to transcend those limitations and see new possibilities?
I suggest that you pull them out and copy them on a second document. The most important thing is to structure Jack’s Emotionally-Challenging Decisions so that they fall regularly about every 15 pages, thus:
1. CROSSING THE THRESHOLD TO THE SPECIAL WORLD
(A note on this: Jack must CHOOSE to make that decision. It can’t be the plane’s [or William’s] decision. I would structure this as being when Jack purchases the plane, NOT when the plane decides to take a header into the foggy past. Check out Page Notes)
2. CREATING CHARACTER GROWTH
3. TOTAL COMMITMENT TO THE QUEST (midpoint)
4. THE APPROACH (leading to the Apotheosis or seeming death of Jack’s quest, which is missing in this draft)
5. ATONEMENT (some new info that leads to personal revelation and new possibilities)
6. DECISION TO ENTER THE FINAL BATTLE (threshold to act 3)
All these decisions should somehow challenge his emotional limitations, which were established as a result of his emotional armor that he built because of his sense of abandonment. It all must tie together.
(NOTES ARE BASED ON SECOND READ AND KNOWLEDGE OF THE STORY)
4. Knowing where this is going regarding Jack’s resentment toward his father, I suggest that you make Jack a reluctant new pilot, but he is almost forced to learn to fly because of his business. I would set up his resistance to flying right away so that when the plane takes over later on he’s even more freaked. I would make the shirt-cutting thing a big upset for Jack since he knows he’s going to catch hell from Vicky when he gets home.
5-a. I Like the way you subtly guide the reader’s (and director’s) eye here.
5-b. I suggest you think about turning the sentiment around here. Let Vicky be happy about the pilot’s license and Jack be a little grouchy about it. Vicky could think a number of things: 1. With the Plane, Jack will bring home more money; 2. He’ll be gone more and they won’t fight as much; 3. With Jack gone more, she’ll have more freedom. They’ve been together 9 years. That’s 2 years beyond the 7-year-itch period. Always be thinking conflict.
6-a. Would Jack really use poor grammar like this? On page 18, Charlie uses the same mistake in subject/predicate agreement where it might possibly be appropriate. But, Jack? Hmmmm. Perhaps it’s a writer error?
6-b. Jack’s reaction to Vicky’s comment about the mother-in-law shirt could be funny if you set it up right.
6-c. Beware of repeating yourself through characters. I know you brag that this is a first draft, but it’s good to do a proofread at the very least. All those writing-style notes that I gave you last time wasn’t just for my health. I expect you to pay attention to them.
7-a. Here’s a setup with no payoff. What if Jack took Trey up and shit happens and Jack gets into trouble with Vicky?
7-b. “To the spirit of flight”? This is a little forced. And if you implement my suggestion about Jack’s reluctance to be a pilot, I doubt he would be so jolly about “the spirit of flight” until after his realization.
8. Pia, you have used a passive verb EIGHT TIMES on this one page alone. You must go into training and learn to avoid passive verbs and adverbs. You will enhance your writing a thousand-fold with this one writing-style rule alone. Trust me on this. Learn to write this way AUTOMATICALLY! On the first draft! I gave you this note last time. Writing 101, Pia.
9. This would be the foundation for Jack resisting flying. His emotional armor comes from his sense of abandonment caused by his father’s disappearance. Why would he want to fly, which would remind him of his father every time he approaches a plane? His enthusiasm for flying contradicts his resistance to his father’s memory. Flying = Father.
10. This exposition is somewhat awkward. You are going in the right direction by creating conflict, but they seem to be rehashing information they both already know. It needs work.
11. They enter Jack’s office. SLUG LINE.
12. This whole thing with the 787 Dreamliner wallpaper could add to Jack’s frustration about planes that remind him of Dad.
13. Awkward dialogue.
13-b. With this conversation between Trey and Vicky, you are setting up the conflict between Vicky and Jack regarding the plane he’s going to purchase. I suggest that you turn this around and have Jack tell Trey that planes are dangerous for reasons stated above (reaction to William/Dad). Then, Trey could ask his mom if she thought planes were dangerous. Jack’s the one with the emotional journey that carries the theme of abandonment. Vicky’s emotional journey supports that primary thematic throughline. Again, planes have to represent Dad to Jack.
14-16. Okay, here we get into act-one structure flaws. This scene incorporates CALL TO ADVENTURE and REFUSAL OF THE CALL. However, it sets things up in the wrong field, so to speak. You’ve got Jack presenting a Call To Adventure to Vicky with her Refusing. This skews your story structure. Based on what I’ve mentioned before, Jack is the one that takes the emotional journey. He’s the one that must be presented with the Call To Adventure. He’s the one that must Refuse the Call. Remember what I mentioned in the last critique. The Refusal sets up the Atonement at the end of act two. The Refusal must subtly show what Jack wants to avoid. That experience that Jack wants to avoid before the journey is the very thing that he is forced to confront in order to achieve his quest. This is a vital aspect to hero’s journey story-telling.
This scene also unfolds a major contrivance… that of the plane. The specific plane that Jack wants to purchase is the very same plane that William flew at that fateful time he seemingly abandoned Jack and his mom and brother. This is too far-fetched for me to accept. You need to find a way to introduce Jack to this specific plane in a more organic manner. I would try to set it up so that this plane comes to him in some mysterious manner, which you can justify because you have this metaphysical aspect to your story. (A note on that: it would be good to set up that parameter early on, perhaps in that first scene.)
Jack knows what kind of plane his dad flew. If he has to purchase a plane for the business, he would avoid this model of plane altogether. Yet, it keeps presenting itself in some manner, perhaps in various ways. His refusal of this plane is paramount to the setting up of act two and Jack’s conflict with the plane itself, which is the soul of his father. How this plane comes to him has to somehow be his father trying to make it right between them from the other side. We won’t know that until late in the story, but YOU have to know that so you can craft a good story setup. You need to think this through carefully so it doesn’t look so contrived.
17-a. This is the first time we see the mystery plane. I think it’s important to know how this specific plane came into Jack’s awareness. Also, to reiterate, I think it is important to have Jack resist the purchase of any plane, especially a plane like the one that his dad flew. The fact that this is the exact same plane makes your task of bringing Jack and plane together harder. You must create a set of circumstances that, while it perhaps appears contrived on the surface, has a logical, albeit other-worldly, explanation in the long run.
17-b. How do Jack and Charlie know each other?
18. Lots of chit-chat going on in this scene. I would find a way to truncate it. Also, depending on how you change Jack’s motives in previous scenes, character motives and agendas might change this scene altogether.
19. Okay, I think you think that Act Two starts on page 22 when he first flies the plane. However, I would set it up so that Act Two starts when he makes the Decision to purchase the plane. In order for that to make sense, you must create his resistance to the plane purchase at the Refusal of the Call. There must also be a very strong reason for why he’s purchasing the plane. The beat that’s missing here is the NEW INFO beat. After the Refusal beat, there needs to be a beat of New Information that compels Jack to reconsider the purchase of this plane that represents his father. The actual Decision to Act, to purchase the plane must come after the following specific steps:
1. major obstacle to the quest (which is what at this point?);
2. self-doubt and attempt to resort to former behavior;
3. intercession by the Conscience character calling him on his less-than-heroic decision (you have no Conscience Character in this draft);
4. new information (which could come from Conscience character or another source);
5. that beat of silence where the decision is made;
6. Emotionally-Challenging Decision.
Purchasing the plane must be an Emotionally-Challenging Decision. It must come as the result of a dilemma caused by irreconcilable differences. He must decide to purchase the plane because what he wants overrides his value out of balance, which in this case is the hatred of his father, which comes from his sense of abandonment. This may sound very convoluted, but if you want a viable and commercial story, I suggest you follow this story-telling format. It builds character while developing plot and theme.
22. As I mentioned earlier, I think you think this is where your Act Two starts because this is where the weird shit starts to happen. My first question is why didn’t Jack test fly this plane before he bought it? Secondly, you create no specific Crossing The Threshold beat to show that Jack has DECIDED to enter the Special World of Act Two. Yes, he moves into a Special World where the spirit of William communicates to him through the plane and directs him toward the mystery of his disappearance. My suggestion would be to have Jack perhaps know somehow that this is the exact same plane that his dad flew. This could be the New Information beat that compels him to purchase the plane. It is vital that Jack CONSCIOUSLY DECIDE to go on a quest for something that leads him into emotional states that are beyond his conscious ability to cope with. Do you see how this will enhance your story manifold?
MONTAGE VERSUS SERIES OF SHOTS. There is a specific difference and EVERYONE gets it wrong. You have no montages in this script. They are all SERIES OF SHOTS. They all move a section of the story forward in a truncated manner. For a good example of MONTAGE, watch FRIDA.
26. Learn the difference between (V.O.) and (O.S.).
30. Jack’s assumption regarding the size of the CIA Courier’s tail numbers is a bit presumptuous. Maybe not. This conversation is borderline awkward exposition. Jack seems to run into all the right people at the right time instead of seeking out the right people. I call this a writer’s contrivance. I suggest you put more thought into how Jack discovers the information that moves him forward on his quest, which has yet to be stated in this draft, btw.
32. Show us what we see. Don’t tell us that George Smith wrote a paper. What is that?
33. If you want us to connect the phone conversation between Jack and George with George getting very sick, then it might be important to show that conversation.
35. Why has the CIA allowed George to live this long? If they wanted to get rid of him, they would have done the deed. This smells of writer contrivance. “Let’s keep George alive just long enough to plant seeds in Jack’s mind, then I can rub ‘im out.”
39-42. I don’t understand Professor Albert Beyers character or scene objective. What does he want? Why would he submit himself to Jack’s questioning? Why is he not on the CIA’s list like George Smith? I repeat: what does he want? Otherwise, this becomes one of those expositional scenes that script analysts slam because the writer has just created talking heads to contrive the story plot without character motive. If he’s a CIA informant, then his last comment would make sense. “If you find anything of interest, be sure to let me know.” But, you don’t pay that off. We never see Albert again.
42. You don’t pay off the argument about the plowed up front yard and garden.
42-43. With Jack’s absorption in his work, I grow concerned for his business and his job. You’ve got to tie it all in together and keep all the plates spinning at once.
46. This is DECISION #2, which is supposed to show some character growth. Again, if Jack had a specific quest that was tied to the plane somehow at this point, this decision would be stronger. You’ve created this quest for him about trying to figure out the mystery of the plane, but the quest is driving him. He’s not driving the quest. I suggest he needs to know what he’s after BEFORE he buys the plane.
47-a. I’m curious – are the CIA goons watching him? Where are they? Would they know the history of this plane?
47-b. This reminds me a little of the movie FREQUENCY, with Dennis Quaid.
48. From the sublime to the ridiculous: this “eyes widen” or “eyes go wide” or “wide eyes” phrase grows tedious. You need to find another way to show surprise.
48-b. I think it’s cool that he begins to trust the plane and let go. I would have him do that once he sees that the plane is actually adjusting its own controls in some recognizable and orderly fashion. Could that be an EMOTIONALLY-CHALLENGING DECISION? Could that challenge his inability to trust? Is trust an issue with him?
53. Is this William Coburn, the pilot, attempting to rescue Medina? Doesn’t William have a broken leg?
56. Jack picking up Trey late reminds me of a scene in NO RESERVATIONS. They made it a tad more dramatic, though.
57. Jack seems to be reacting to his metaphysical experiences rather normally. He’s not questioning his sanity, or is he questioning the experience itself. How does the extraordinary experience bump up against his sense of accepted reality? Does this force him to change some concept of reality that he has?
58. Again, this revelation that he might have to go down to the Everglades comes so nonchalantly. Somehow you have to make this pursuance of the mystery an emotionally-challenging decision that creates a total commitment to the quest of figuring out this mystery. I wonder why he doesn’t try to trade the plane in on another since he hasn’t yet tied it into the disappearance of his father. What compels him here? This is the midpoint. It is the plot midpoint and the thematic midpoint. Both need to be driven by a powerful decision by Jack that risks everything – risks his business and his emotional security in his beliefs. An excellent example of this kind of midpoint decision happens in MILLION DOLLAR BABY when Frankie decides to manage Maggie for keeps. She holds him to a total commitment. It is vital that you set that kind of total-commitment emotionally-challenging decision here for Jack.
59. I’m not clear as to Jack’s relationship with this company. How is it that he’s able to just take off at a moment’s notice? Is he the owner (which would play in quite well with having to purchase a plane), or is he merely the manager of some department, in which case he would need some kind of clearance to leave? Is there some way to tie in his job responsibilities with the purchase of the plane?
60. Seeing the mysterious sedan following Jack makes me wonder what happened to George Smith? Did he die? If so, would Jack have found out about it? What effect would that have on his otherwise cavalier junket off to the Everglades to solve the mystery of his experiences in the plane?
62. Everything is so convenient. Jack just rides up and Billy is ready to go right now.
63. Instead of the word “hammocks”, I would use the phrase “small mounds of trees”. Most people’s orientation of the word is a netted bed that is strung up between two trees or posts. Or you could define it so you can use it later.
64. How do we know that the two men in the plane are the same two men from the sedan? We’ve not seen them before now.
66. You spend too much time having characters introduce each other. We already know Joe’s name and that he’s Billy’s Uncle and that Joe’s lived around here for a long time. Just jump into the middle of the scene and get on with it.
67. I must mention again that Jack falls quite easily into specific information that helps him in his quest. He doesn’t seem to come by it through any effort as a result of any personal challenges. As interesting as the info is, the story drifts into the doldrums here because there is no real conflict, inner or outer.
90. Jack doesn’t seem very concerned that Vicky is leaving him. On a larger note, nothing seems to be affecting Jack emotionally. You’ve got all this action going on, but Jack reacts only on the physical level. There is nothing driving his emotional arc. There is no thematic substance. You need to hit the emotional marks as well as the action marks.
92-93. I think this kidnapping bit would work much better if it were set up better. It must play into your theme somehow. The only value out of balance for Jack has something to do with his hatred for his father and his sense of abandonment, which you do not address at all. How does Jack’s fear of losing his family motivate him to comply? You must set this up earlier by showing his devotion to his family as some reaction to his father’s seeming abandonment. The emotional stakes must be very high here. You are relying on clichéd story beats without any emotional substance.
95. You have made a valiant attempt at a ticking clock here and have failed admirably. The slow elevator, the slow copier, the out-of-ink copier, the slow and chatty desk man, all create more frustration than anxiety in the audience. The reason is that all these things are contrived. They are not integral to the story. James Bond having to find the right wire to stop the bomb ties directly into the plot to stop the evil dudes from blowing up the world. Find an organic way to create a ticking clock that is integral to the plot. The ticking clock was created arbitrarily by Jack. He could just as easily call them and say “hey, I need another 15 minutes.”
97. These dudes are CIA with no conscience. Why don’t they just shoot Jack and take the cylinder? Also, wouldn’t they be concerned about how much he knows? They’ve killed all the others who knew of or suspected the CIA plot to assassinate Kennedy. Why not Jack?
98. If they suspect that he knows what’s in it, why do they let him go?
99. Jack asks a stupid question here. The CIA would never want to have their participation in Kennedy’s assassination confirmed. Conspiracy theories are one thing; proof would put the present-day CIA into a tailspin.
101. My question is why would Castro want Kennedy dead? What does he gain?
Learn how to use the comma… PLEASE!!!