Old Wounds
by

Pia

–A lonely man’s old wounds continues to hurt until one day he cannot stand it any more and decides to end the pain once and for all.–

This script is being produced by two different filmmakers.

Gimme Credit’s judge’s comments and scores:

TITLE

Old Wounds

JUDGE #1

JUDGE #2

STORY/STRUCTURE

8

6

DIALOGUE

7.5

5.5

CHARACTER

7

6

FEASIBILITY

7.5

7.5

ENDING

8

7

SUBTOTAL

38

32

COMPETITION TOTAL

70

NOTES:

#1

Wow! I wasn’t expecting that ending. Very scary but very powerful. I still think you could shorten the script further. You pack a lot into five pages. Remove some of the unnecessary description. We do not need to be aware of every single detail, just enough so that we understand the character and the scenario. Well done.

#2

Your title and the characters words and give away everything he is about to do. Attempt to write in a more cinematic way with more visual actions. As it is, it is quite a slow read. Intriguing idea; just needs more suspense/tension. Tell us more about this guy.

Remember, these are simply our opinions. Please read them, digest them and then throw them out when you next sit down to write!

Additional clarification on feasibility: Feasibility is how easy or hard it is to actually produce something based on money and resources needed. To take examples that we have actually had in our competition: a score of 10 in feasibility would be a script that has no special effects and takes place with few actors in one room of a typical middle-income house. That would typically be an easy shoot. A score of 1 in feasibility would be a thirty page drama that has explosions and scenes with emergency responders taking place in fifteen different locations, including synagogues, post offices, hospitals and outside on the streets of Tel Aviv.

All of that is not to say that we would purposefully choose the easier one to produce. Indeed the former script placed as a Finalist (not only because of its feasibility scores, obviously) and the latter was our Second Place Winner in Cycle I.

Feasibility is part of our judging criteria because as producers we need to know what it will take to produce each script and as writers each of you need to know that as well. Some writers will include scenes that add thousands or even tens of thousands of dollars to a production without knowing what they are doing, i.e. a scene on an airplane or airport for a character to deliver one line. While it is crucial that writers write with no budgetary restraints in mind, when it comes time to looking over scripts, keep in mind that a location here and there may be able to be combined without any sacrifice of story. This makes the script more attractive to potential production companies.

This was my entry to MoviePoet’s October challenge, One person only. There were 53 entries and despite a good score it did not place.

My scores:
Poor: 0% Fair: 12% Good: 31% Very Good: 50% Excellent: 8%

The Comments:

“An interesting read. Quite liked the ‘reunion’ reveal. There’s a clear build-up of, if not tension, then certainly intrigue and though that dissipates as we learn the nature of what’s in the box early, there’s enough there to wonder just how and why he’s doing it. Dodgy subject matter, but a good read nevertheless.”

“Very bold topic to tackle. Well done. And I hope this isn’t a cry for help…cause I don’t want to be talking to CNN about how you seemed like a very nice person in our screenwriting forum!”

“This is really good…and oddly very much like something that happened in Florida last week! (the guy was caught before carrying it out) I had to read the more technical aspects a couple of times but you made clear what was going on very quickly. Nice twist at the end.”

“This was pretty enjoyable. It seemed like you weren’t going to get around to revealing the contents of the letter, so I was glad to see that you did. Nice little tale of revenge. Good work.”

“You have nearly two pages with no dialogue. I’m not mad, not mad at all, just thought i’d point that out. That you had two pages where i read and read and read your descriptions…with no dialogue.

im kidding, im such a drama queen. But if you want to keep a reader interested, especially one with A.D.D, like me…i dont know, maybe add some dialogue.

It was a great story with the high school reunion thing and i’m glad i finished it. But by the time i knew what he was doing, i wasn’t interested because it just took me awhile to get there. And, i have to be honest, if i wasn’t required to read all that, i probably wouldn’t have.

i’d sugest to take some of what he does out. Only the things that don’t HAVE TO BE placed in there. I hope my comments were suggestive, even though they were filled with hate. (i kid, i kid)”

“I liked this a lot. I had to race through it to find out what was going to happen. The ending was excellent in revealing Stuart’s shocking plans.
Best to avoid the parentheticals. Stuart’s actions and speech should tell us how he’s feeling.
Sometimes his speech was a little on the nose, but you got away (as many others haven’t!) with him talking to himself and it not being too far-fetched.
Good stuff.”

“I thought this was very good.
Revenge is always a great emotion to explore. Your craft is excellent and this was a good read.
In a way though, I was hoping for something different at the end. A long suffering high school student, feels a little obvious. It didn’t make it bad. I certainly believe it. I just wanted to be surprised by the ending.
I think if you could do that it would be excellent.”

“I thought this was excellent! It was written well enough to keep me in the story the whole time.
Then when I realized he was making some kind of a bomb it got my attention. I didn’t know what or where it was going but when we got to the ending it was satisfying.
I liked the cat, you made him human by having a cat.
The diaglouge wasn’t too much and the action was just right!
I think this might be the highest score I gave so far. I have read 31 one and yours got to the top of my heap.
Good luck!”

“It started off slow – it seemed like you could have started on Page 2 and not lost anything in the story.
Once Stuart got to making his bombs, the pace was quick and interesting, his dialogue giving us a good clue as to his mindset.”

“Good build up and premise, but ultimately, it lead nowhere.
Stuart was pretty interesting as a lead, and I would’ve like to see him pontificating more than talking to himself about those who have it coming.
He’s obviously put a lot of though and energy into this, it would’ve been nice to see that realization that he has no choice but do this, some type of crazy moment of acceptance.
But when we enter his life, he’s already come to this conclusion, so there’s no real conflict, despite the body count he hopes to inflict.
The narratives have a nice flow to them, and the moments where he constructs the bombs have a nice understated menace to them.
Good work, just needs a little more characterization.”

“Raised score for a good level of detail was knocked down a little by starting most of the action with – He.
Pacing bogs down a little as we learn how to make a pipe bomb.
Title fits well.”

“Well paced. There was good set up here for the ending.”

“twisted and awesome! loved this.”

“You do a good job at describing what is going on and even illustrating why Stuart is making the bomb. But I think it would have served the script better if Stuart showed more emotion. He seems to robotic. Listing the grivences isn’t cutting it we need to see some emotion from Stuart.”

“Nicely done. Clever approach to the challenge and a great twist.”

“Written well. Story does not grab me. I’ve read several of these types along the way here about someone getting revenge in some way, so it’s not new. Guy is definitely deranged. It was hard for me to believe that the 10-year reunion would trigger this kind of thing. A little closer to high school would have been better, maybe.”

“Wow. Dark but very compelling. I thought it was very impressive to show him petting the cat and living humbly. I think you brilliantly led us down a path, revealing more and more of the character while Stuart lamented the wrongdoings he endured in his past. This was powerful and well constructed. I must admit, the whole vest thing had me thinking of the Virginia Tech incident and it made me cringe a bit at the events that lead people to do things like this. Still, a nicely written piece.”

“A very good story. I enjoyed it.
Good job with the opening setting. I could really picture his trailer life.
I liked how you took your time to describe things. It kept me turning the page.
Good ending also.”

“Liked the ending. But I thought the pacing needed improvement ad the writing could be tighter. This would work way better at 3 pages.”

“What starts out as an interesting character study quickly makes way for a fairly mediocre plot about high school nerd (probably) wanting revenge by explosive pipe bomb means.

You set this up quite well and the suspense about the letter was quite good. The pipe bomb making seemed too movie like, if that is a valid criticism.

Is there something in his background that involved making bombs or dealing with explosives? If you have seen Gus Van Sant’s “Elephant” about the columbine shootings then you know the drab process that showed the boys firing their rifles in the garage.

Maybe Stuart tries the bomb on his cat, to see if it works. Maybe he blows himself up. I want more tension because currently you move from plot point to plot point, except at the beginning. Something prevents him from getting the bombs made.

Maybe the literature that he ordered was actually a con and when he tries one bomb it goes “pfft.”

You have the skills to write a good story and great characters, then why not go for some off the track drama?

Technically you are fine.”

“You kept me guessing until the end. This is a sad tale of revenge though. I wish he’d been packing something else in the box. Maybe letters of forgiveness. Yeah I’m a sap. But I really think if the world would forgive more it would be a better place. I realize this guy had wounds, but to take out all those who hurt him, only hurts himself more. Like I said, sad tale.
I think the script would be helped if you added an element of mystery to it. Eliminate his dialogue. Maybe have him just cross names off a list as he makes the bombs. Or have him putting x’s on pictures in an old yearbook. This way you can make the reveal even more powerful, as we don’t know what he is doing until the very end.”

“This is a nicely written script, the descriptions were written well. I picked up early on it was a high school reunion. This story is so true that sometimes in school, kids can be so cruel and mean. Some pick up and move on, but some harbor the pain. (which may not be their choice) A story like this is a reminder that we should be nice or at least courteous to one another. Nice job.”

“Sinster. Chilling. Fine character study.”

“I was liking Stuart until he became a crazed, suicide bomber. Good set up and a solid finish.”

“It’s very obvious from the begining what is happening. Having said that, I don’t know how I feel about it?? Does it detract from the story? I don’t know.

“The descriptions of Stuart and his life were superb, from the trailer to his cat. Well done.”

“This is a great premise. We all look back to those people who screwed us over, but Stuart has even better reasons to be angry. There is nice detail and a director and cameraman would have a field day shooting this – the entrances, exits, making bombs, etc.

I do think you waste your first page. I wish you’d plunge right into the bomb making and grab us right off. You ease us into your story. It needs a little punch and drama. Right now it is a sequential narrative, story telling – rather than drama. It needs the ebb and flow of a series of conflicts. Maybe he relents, then gets angry again or let’s someone off the hook. The material is there. It needs more dramatic sequencing.”

This entry was posted by Pia on Friday, October 19th, 2007 at 10:50 am and is filed under Drama, Short. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.