Fears and Fetishes
Sunday, August 26th, 2007Fears and Fetishes
by Pia
Rewritten version.
Years of therapy isn’t always an answer. Sometimes it’s just a matter of finding the right one for you.
The results are in from the August competition at MoviePoet. The assignment was Phobia.
The comments were mixed, but none too negative. Still somehow I got a lower score than I had hoped. I can see where I erred. The only thing I don’t get is why someone voted “poor”. Poor to me means really bad. Incoherent story, format way off or way too many typos. I don’t feel that this script fit the bill for any of those.
Here are the results for this script.
Poor Fair Good Very Good Excellent
4% 25% 46% 14% 11%
“You have some very sweet moments here. Douglas is an endearing character, and I love that losing the toupee meant meeting someone who liked him au naturel. I guessed almost immediately that Douglas was in love with Catherine, but I enjoyed their dialogue.
I think your descriptions can be trimmed in places. For example: “Angered and embarrassed Douglas jumps up and covers the top of his head with his hands.” Here, Douglas’ actions and the previous discussion of his phobias is enough to let us know that he’d be both angry and embarrassed. So I think you can leave out the “Angered and embarrassed” and just put in his action.”
“Nice to see things work out for Douglas. While he sort of serendipitously backed into a happy ending, I think on film this would be a hit.”
“That was very entertaining & enjoyable. Great sense of humor and pacing. Nice job.”
“This was an engaging tale with some good dialogue.
I’m sorry to say I knew from the moment Catherine says:
“You’ve been coming here for over a
year now… I think you’re ready to
ask this woman out.”
…I knew what was going to happen!
It was good that it turned out well for Douglas, but again that was kinda predictable. He didn’t seeem to have a phobia as such - just be nervous of women.
The toupee came out of nowhere!”
“I liked the setup and I had a lot of sympathy for Douglas, but the ending was very Deus Ex Machina. I wish Douglas had done something to “earn” Brenda’s affection.
It’s a very sweet story and I think with a stronger more natural ending it could be lovely.”
“I felt sorry for the character of Douglas but at the end it all turned down really well.”
“The story started off slow, Douglas and Catherine repeating themselves a number of times. I did like the little twist of Douglas approaching his therapist, but not a great surprise. The ending was a little too easy and I think it would be more powerful if he instigated the action rather than just goes along with the scene.
A number of typos/grammatical errors.”
“This is very good, I liked the concept behind the story.”
“A bit far fetched with the ending. It wouldn’t quite happen as such.
I knew after reading the first half of the first page that Douglas was attracted to Catherine. This dragged the story a little.
I didn’t really feel this phobia worked for me. Originally it is said he has a fear of women so, why would he be comfortable with seeing a woman therapist?
The phobia wasn’t strong and that was the challenge.
Good little story otherwise and I enjoyed reading it.”
“I like happy stories. This one was very simple and maybe too predictable for “true art” but I enjoyed it. Cute where kids grabbed off Doug’s wig. Maybe if the gal who liked him fuzzy-wuzzy showed up at the first of the script and they passed on the stairs completely oblivious to each other or spoke routinely without really noticing the other, then the latter part of the script wouldn’t seem “tacked on.””
“Very cute and sweet. I can’t really find anything to improve on this one. It sounds like a condensed romantic comedy, in all the right ways.”
“Entertaining script.The first twist (that Catherine was the one he loved) gave itself away a little too easily, but I loved that the script didnt pivot on that point and you were able to go places with it even after that.
There were a few tense and possession typos (he’s vs. his), but nothing too glaring.
The only main thing that I had a problem with was the length of time that Douglas had been seeing Catherine. If they had been talking about these issues and the girl he loves for a year, a professional psychiatrist would probably be able to figure out that he was fantasizing over her, or at least that he wasnt being very truthful about who he loved. Also, in therapy over a year, I figured the fact that she was married(or seeing someone) would have probably come up. These issues could psossibly be fixed just by not mentioning that he had been going there over a year - the audience could still get the severity of his problem without you spelling that out.
One last thing - naming the character Meek was a bit too much for me. You accomplish his disposition well in your description and dialogue, why hit us over the head with the name when it could stand alone?”
“You had a couple of typos in the script. First it should have been Catherine watches, not watch as the car droves off. And second when Douglas is entering the apartment it should have been his baby fuzz hair, not he’s baby fuzz hair. You just need to be more careful when proofreading the script.
I don’t know if I would have gone with him being in love with his therapist. I would assume he would have known from the beginning that as Catherine’s patient they couldn’t have had a romantic relationship.
And while you start the script off with a fear of rejection perhaps since you ended up, with what I believe is the fact that Douglas is afraid women won’t find him attractive because he is bald, that should have been the fear you concentrate on instead.
You do a good job of moving the script along and the descriptive part is also done well.”
“I liked the premise. A strong conflict was quickly introduced here. And with a nice little twist thrown in the mix; I saw it coming, but enjoyed it nonetheless. I felt sorry for the guy, and half way through the script I was rooting for him.
The resolution didn’t live up to the set-up’s quality though. I know there isn’t much you can do in just 5 pages, but Brenda’s apparition was too convenient and a cheap way out.
She’s so straightforward that the major dramatic question (Will the protagonist overcome his fear of women?) is practically removed instead of answered. Brenda was likable, but with a girl like that, hitting directly of him, his insecurity was no longer much of an issue in the story’s outcome.
Hope that helps, good luck.”
“Great job!
From the setup I was expecting something to happen with him and his psychologist but I wasn’t expecting her to be the woman he was smitten with. I thought he would find her at the end.
If I had one problem with this it was with the end. I thought the ending to too neat, too packaged. But it didn’t bother me all that much.
Good work!”
“I feel like I’ve heard this story before and I guessed on page 1 that Douglas was in love with Catherine. That said, this could’ve been better if it hadn’t peaked on page 3 when Douglas is rejected. Everything after that felt like it was just a consolation prize for Douglas. It also felt like a second story started at the bottom of page 3, rather than one 5-page story. If Brenda is the person Douglas is really meant to be with, she should be introduced earlier in the script. Maybe she’s Catherine’s secretary or her sister (and we see a photo of her on Catherine’s desk, Douglas and Catherine could even discuss it). If we THINK that Douglas is really interested in Catherine, a twist could be worked in to the story where Douglas shows up at Catherine’s house, Catherine thinks Douglas is really there for him (awkward moment) but, he asks to see her sister instead.”
“Other than a few “wrylies,” it was excellent. Using single lines of dialogue to simulate shots is also good, but sometimes, this isn’t the case. ei. “Awkward moment.”
Nice twist at the end. The skateboarders incidentally set up a happy ending, and everyone loves a happy ending!”
“Although Catherine was the obvious target of Doug’s affection, it was nice how you brought Brenda in to save him. Some type-o’s.”
“There’s nothing necessarily wrong with this script but I felt that everything was just static. Catherine may be attractive but if he’s been going to see her for a year and the best she can offer to him is: “What’s the worst that can happen?” They obviosuly haven’t been working on anything. She could say that in their first session. The appearance on her doorstep was no surprise but the stereotype of the other Man being everything Douglas is not just carries it too heavily in terms of predictability. You make several mentions of him working on his hair and he doesn’t seem at all uncomfortable with it or it doesn’t even seem to be a toupe. Why would the skateboarders be compelled to take it if it’s not conspicuous? The Brenda conversation brings closure and I’m glad things work out but it is a bit convenient and Douglas doesn’t really overcome anything. Overall, you had a phobia and a response to the challenge. I just didn’t have a strong response to the story.”
“To me, the opening scene seemed to drag a little bit, but once he showed up at his doctor’s door, it picked up.
There were several grammatical/typo errors.
I really liked the structure of the story, the way you laid it out. I could picture the characters clearly.
Good job”
“I didn’t see his crush for his doc so bravo for that twist. Not sure I like the ending but at least it’s happy.
Overall, well done.”
“This is a sweet little love story and you have very realistic characters here.
I wanted more drama, however. You start of well but I figured out he was in love with Catherine because you provided the clues. If you could have maybe twisted that plot and make her fall in love with him or have her own fear then there would be more pacing to add to the drama.
The resolution should have been brought about by Douglas’ own actions rather than your introduction of Brenda. Let him make the first move. I like the fact that he does not shy away from her but what else makes him heroic besides the fact that he has now learnt to overcome his fear. Did the rejection bring this change?
Try and avoid adverbs in your descriptions because your dialogs delver the emotions very well.
Technically you are fine.
Good job.”
“This was a great story. The dialog and descriptions were well written and the story paced nicely. Facing his fear, rejection and humiliation paid off for him in the end. Great story and great read.”
“Okay, kinda like this one although it’s been done a thousand times. Douglas has that sympathetic feel about him and we sort of want him to do good by the end. Good overall writing, pace and getting the scenes described well.”
“Couple quick thoughts.
I don’t think the psychiatrist would stroke his hair. That took me out of the story.
“He flirts with himself in the mirror.” I’d describe what he actually does instead of just saying he “flirts” with himself. Plus, in this “getting ready” scene, he seems like a different person than in the first scene. Seems too confident.
It’s a nice little story, but the events almost seem too random.
Also, I think her line at the end should read… “I love rubbing their…”"
“Ok, but far too obvious.”
“Well written. On the most part predictable, and comes off more cute than compelling. You would think after having sessions for a year that he would have asked about her social life, but at the same time it makes the character seem complex with denial. Again well written, nicely paced.”
“This one’s almost there. I feel the bridge between Douglas’ humiliation and the neat end twist is weak. The two halves don’t quite fit together.
What if when Douglas loses his hairpiece, he realizes that Catherine has been treating him for the wrong phobia - being seen bald? Then a line like, “That stupid bitch was treating me for the wrong phobia!” Then he sneaks home via alleys and backways to finally meet Brenda.
Just an idea.”