The Big Cheese
Sunday, July 22nd, 2007This was my entry to the NYCMM -07 competition. The heat assignment was mockumentary/wealth. I was extremely unhappy with the assignment and decided right away not to enter anything. Then something weird happened when there was only 36 hours left until the deadline. An idea presented itself in my head and I decided to give it a chance. With less than 30 hours to go I started typing and The Big Cheese is the result. It’s far from gold, but once I had submitted it I was really proud of myself for having written something I thought would be impossible. It’s 12.5 pages.
The following are the comments I received:
“This really didn’t work for me. It’s more the punchline to a joke than the basis for a script as it currently stands.
Why cheese? I’m guessing just because it seems ludicrous — which it is — but that’s not enough. There still has to be logic with something that is supposed to be comic and absurd. People are going to give a guy five grand to get cheese tips? Why? What is he promising it will do for them? How will this improve their lives? What is the allure? Even if the answers are absurd, they have to be answered. We need MOTIVATION.
Baron’s telling her to f-off was a stark insult that removed me from the comedy. He should have insulted her in a cheesy manner — pun intended. It has to go deeper than just the concept of a guy getting rich hawking cheese as if it’s Florida real estate. And the filmmakers aren’t characters, they’re merely narrative parts. She asks the same question over and over (What has Robert Baron done for you?) and there is no depth. It’s simply a device to get that person to give a monologue.
All that said, it’s a funny concept. The idea of a richer, more fulfilling, healthier, more rewarding life through accumulation of exotic cheese has a lot of potential. Maybe it gets rid of wrinkles, washes away gray hair, cures cancer, makes your breasts grow bigger — anything — but we need a reason for these people to do what they do.
Thanks for posting and good luck.”
“When I first looked at all the heat assignments I remember being happy I didn’t get this one because it looked the hardest to me.
You did an amazing job! It was such a unique idea and so funny. I loved all of the cheese jokes. And you included everything that would be covered in those momeymaking seminars that are held all over the world now. I espcially liked the stories you covered on the darker side of trying to aquire cheese, particualrly the one about mold. Too funny!
I really can’t offer any criticism on this. I read it twice and enjoyed it equally each time. Good luck!”
“I love the internal logic of this script. You take the this insane idea of cheese as a currency, and exploit it’s fullest extent. Not of it deviated from the rules you established.
I loved the part where William compares the Vieux Boulogne to Rebekah’s sweet flower without saying a word. Incredibly clever and filthy.
Robert’s name was a little much for me.
Great script, very tightly structured.”
“This was a lot of fun to read. The use of cheese over money, online store fronts, real estate etc was great. It really carried the comical nature well. It flowed well and kept my attention through out. Some of the dialogue is brillant. It had me chuckling. The guy treating the cheese like a fine cigar had me actually thinking of the Chrisopher Guest mockumentaries which is a good thing.
I loved the whole homeland security thing. Would have been funny if the cheese turned out to be on the do not smuggle into the US list because it’s toxic or had dangerous mold or something versus the kick back to plastic explosives because that immediately reminded me of “Broken Down Palace” but it was still entertaining.
My only negative comments were that the beginning seemed a bit slow. I think if you started with the crazed mania inside the convention, even people dressed up as cheese for the lower end would have been good as a lead in–something that would normally be a hook for a documentary.
The ending also fell flat for me. But considering the short turn around time you did a great job.”
“the big cheese
its was a breezy read and flowed very nicely. i enjoyed the puns and cheesy jokes, and not a minute did it seem overboard. uve got a lot of feedback, and i didnt read some of it, so i hope i dont sound redundant.
things i would have liked to seen:
rebekah’s reference to this being an episode of a greater series. i can see how ur setting up for a punchline at the end, but it doesnt work for me. but thats me.
i think u couldve been more subtle when approaching the scam, using foreshadowing in ur action lines and toning down rebekah’s instant disgust for the man.
the surprise interview on robert seems to come too early, throwing off the pacing into a direct confrontation (p7)- instead of a easing into. if that makes any sense?? somewhere later down the road seems more appropriate.
rebekah – ‘please tell me you got that?’ – was priceless.
velma was portrayed as a tortured old woman tho. why would the guard be wary? id like to see her crazy side come out.
how is robert getting these people the cheese access. that bothered me slightly. but i guess its relatively unimportant. the thought just sat in the back of my mind.
i would have liked to see a bang for an ending. like robert getting caught w/ his hand in the cookie jar. maybe he was busted running a sweatshop in ohio. or he was producing ‘imitation’ cheese instead.
overall, it was fun to read and enjoyable w/ all ur witty dialogue. the writing is top notch and no errors that i spotted. of course, if u dont see one in the first few pages, u arent really looking after that. ”
“You’re a very nice writer. The story flows, your action lines move and the dialogue works.
I could imagine this as I read
I’m not one for comedies so I probably laughed less than the average reader.
Good luck! ”
“I love how you keep the Cheese going throughout, with names and the like. Very witty and well done. Wonderful comedic elements… loved the Don Provolone and Dairy Godmother.
Accumulating large amounts of cheese – funny and cheesy.
The only real criticism I have is introduce the counterpoint earlier. The reason for making the documentary should be there closer to the happy/satisfied interviews.
Excellent work.”
“A very unique & original idea for a script. It was coherent and well-written.
My main criticism concerns the flow of the ending. I thought it was a bit abrupt and forced when Rebekah says “we first aired this story six months ago …”, it just didn’t fee like a natural flow to end the script.
However, I liked the twist at the end.
Well done.”
“Hi,
I enjoyed this one.
the scene on the end of pg. 3 was great. Funny visual of the woman covering her face in disbelief. Also Tim has some great lines, most of your characters were easy to picture…with so many you could have gone another route and been way to descriptive and hurt the flow of the story, but you gave just enough info. on each one.
I thought you were in danger of exhausting the cheese joke, but the “darker side” coming out turned it around nicely and kept adding twists as you went.
Good job”
“PIa, don’t know why you ever thought of giving up. This was very very good, and if ever I have to write a mockumentary (heaven forfend) I’ll look to this for inspiration about how to do it.
Loved all the cheese puns, and the oh so accurate take on a motivational speaker.
My one quibble with it was the ending where she is 6 months on – just wasn’t of the same very highest quality of the rest of it (I thought but that’s only my opinion)
Great stuff!”
“Hi Pia,
I thought this was pretty good. I liked it. I thought it was a little outside the mockumentary realm perhaps. I always think of Spinal Tap, which really set the tone for this type of film. But I also think of films like Woody Allen’s Take the Money and Run, which I think this is closer to.
I thought you had a lot of really clever little touches. You didn’t go too far or not far enough. It had good balance. The problem with the six months later ending and being on a television show was that it demonstrated that this was a spoof of a television investigative reporting segment and not really a mockumentary. You could easily fix that by simply removing any parts about the news program and presenting it from the start as a documentary on an already fallen Robert Baron instead of an exposé on him.
Honestly though I thought the genre stretch was overlookable. It had a lot of nice touches and was a fun read.
Breanne”
” Nice one! Had some truly funny moments, especially loved the Homeland Security dig! And you have a great handle on creating characters quickly, and having them be likeable. Everything was very visual, and I got a real sense of who they all were. Even the one-beat characters had something going on. Not too shabby for a week’s work.
I’m in heat 8 as well, probably will get mine up tomorrow sometime.
How hard was this subject, huh? ”
“Hi Pia,
Nice work! The idea is really funny in and of itself — I don’t know how you ever thought of people accumulating cheese, but your spoofing of motivational speakers and get-rich-quick schemes was spot-on.
I think it would read better if you got rid of the establishing stuff with Rebekah at the beginning, and just dove right in to the documentary itself. But I liked the twist at the end, and especially the little tag about the dust mite billionaire. Now I want to read that script too!
Thanks for reviewing ours, and good luck in the contest!
Aimee”
“Hey Pia,
I would have commented earlier but I was running a cottage cheese bath.
Funny, funny stuff, think you did an excellent job. You hit the mockumentary squarely on the head. I thought your dialogue was great, the people seemed “real”, except for a few of the VO’s by the reporter.
A very creative and enjoyable read. Good luck.”
“Rats, this is really good! You’re in my heat and I feel greatly let down by your previous comments about it not being as good as it could have been…
I thought the student characters were all brilliant and you captured the tone of the get rich quick schemes so well. Using cheese instead of money was just inspired.
Can’t bring myself to wish you luck but well done!”
“Really funny work! It was very easy for me to picture this film as I read it – you have lots of characters in there who seemed very believable, I love the cheese theme. Really good ideas.
My minor quibble was already mentioned here – I think it stepped out of mockumentary at times because Rebekah was more of a central character than the narrator normally is in a true documentary (Michael Moore excluded). So that makes it teeter on the edge of comedy – but it might just be my taste as I don’t like narrator intrusion in actual documentaries (again with the exception of Michael Moore!)
My fave mockumentary is Best in Show – lots of characters, and I don’t think any appearance by the narrator, so take my criticism with a grain of salt!”
“very nice. i thought it fit the category perfectly. these are my favorite scripts to read.
well, they should be. but sometimes…not so much. 
lots of little detail touches carried it well.
good twist on the category. best of luck to you.”
“Pia, You’ve done really well.
So that’s a mockumentary I was way off.
I love it , especially that corny line with Vieux Boulogne and William’s roving eyes.
I think as quickly rushed as it was, you may have a little winner. It’s the best one I’ve read thus far in our heat.
Good Luck!”
“That’s a great script! I was able to visualize every image. When Susan plops the cheese in her mouth I could see her talking with her mouth full. The cheese cigar Tim sucks on just has to go limp and then break off and you know he’s going to have to bite it at the breaking point before he puts it back in his mouth to smoke it.
If I may recommend that Jane’s bath would be funnier if it were 1.5 hours instead of 5.
I bet it was fun to write.”
“They say that all great art is never finished…merely abandoned and after reading your comments I’m thinking that’s what happened here. I liked this script very much but there was a definite point (right around Page 10) that I could feel the time clock constraint and the deadline kick in…such is life in a contest!
I hope you stay with this (I know from your other posts that this is not your favorite genre) but there is a lot that can be done with this.
I do agree with a couple of other reviews that in showing the “mechanics” of the documentaries through another POV (not shot with Trey’s camera) you violate the convention of the documentary…plus I don’t think you need to see that stuff. Aimee’s right just get to the bid’ness at hand…that’s where the gold mine is!
The characters (and I didn’t get the cheese name thing until Don Provolone!) are dynamite! Love Tim. LOVE him. You could build a whole story around that. The “sometimes a cheese stick is just a cheese stick” has already made it into my vernacular…even though no one knows what I mean when I say it. Rebekah is also quite nicely crafted and the obtuse way she says “the most popular feature is my live web stream of my daily cheese bath…” pure genius.
However, after this excellent set-up I must admit I got a bit lost as to what was going on. What was the scam? Did he promise them riches on only give them cheese? Did they only want the cheese in the first place? Susan seems to just like to eat cheese. Don Provolone appears to have made money (huge in the cheese business) and Rebekah uses her cheese to make money on her website…so I couldn’t quite understand if these people are just insane cheese lovers or cheese sellers. (I’m finding it funny how many times I’ve written “cheese” in this review!) Maybe just solidify what they want and then make sure we can see?
I also didn’t really see how robert did it. what was the rackateering part? maybe that was because you ran out of time? I just didn’t make the connection with what happened to Velma as being caused by Robert. Or how he can suddenly create magic cheese mold. Please go into more detail about this stuff because I’m dying to know the scam!!!
I’d be very interested in reading your fully fleshed out vision of this story. And now….once again for the last time in my review: CHEESE.”
“I thought this was really funny and a very fast read. I loved all the puns – Don Provolone — cottage cheese moisturizers — great stuff. I was waiting for Rebekah to invest in Robert’s scam but she was too smart. It had a deadpan humor that really appealed to me.”
“indieme, you definitely had the hardest heat and your script is a success. i could see the influence of magnolia as the tom cruise Barron runs onto stage and smiles…I would’ve liked to see a cheesy monologue there. the imagery of the moldy trailer made me laugh and how the stereotype of only a guy who lives in a trailer would live amongst the mold until his impending death. don fromage was a creative idea and i would’ve liked to read about this fromage a trois you mentioned at mp. it was well paced up until maybe the end…it did kind of end abruptly…perhaps a courtroom scene with the people in his corner wearing the infamous cheese hats of green bay. all in all a fun script and good luck in your heat.
glenn”
“Just read your story – I liked the idea, very campy, nice spoof on the “I’ll show you how to get rich for only $5,000″ convention scams.
Really funny ideas for your characters – would have liked to have seen more of Don Provolone and the trailer park dust mask guy. I thought you could lose the Susan character – I know she was basically a set-up for the pro-Baron faction, but maybe she could have been a little more funny or interesting. Also, the whole idea of how owning prodigious amounts of cheese makes one successful could have been fleshed out in a very amusing way. You’re certainly capable of doing this, if you were given more time and space to write it.
Great job, very funny, thanks for posting!
-Brian”
“Hey Pia,
I’ve been looking forward to reading this. I was hoping that I wouldn’t be disappointed and…
I wasn’t.
Well done. I thought it was quite amusing. The puns just kept coming. I especially liked the dig at Homeland Security.
I had two issues.
The first was the asides by the female reporter. I thought if they were editing a docco they wouldn’t leave those aside in the finished product.
The second was the ending. It seemed like you kind of rushed it. It need a bit more.”
“Hey Pia,
I really enjoyed this. It’s a ridiculous concept which is ripe for comedy and I think you pretty much nailed the genre. I found myself chuckling on a few occasions. I’m a sucker for “cheesy” puns.
Having said that, it did feel a little rushed in places and I reckon it would benefit from a rewrite to amp up the comedy in a few of the scenes. There’s a lot of potential for comedy in this concept and I reckon you could squeeze in a few more gags.
As someone said earlier in this thread, I think you could’ve brought in the dark side of the story a little earlier. The plastic explosives gag didn’t really work for me but the moldy cheese package contaminating his house was a great touch. I was kind of hoping for something more at the end though.
Overall, great work with a tough genre. I hope you do a rewrite cos I’d love to read it.
Good luck.”
“Hey Pia,
I am sure some reviewers might already have mentioned the fact that you start this story with Rebekah and Trey as characters and take away from the documentary feel.
I always think that with documentaries (even mock ones) the audience should feel that they are privy to this world. Now if you have someone represent the audience and ask the questions, i.e. Rebekah, then they start thinking that this is staged (which it is, but you don’t want them in on this).
There are absolute moments of genius in this and to get there you need to edit away.
Chop the opening parking lot scene and start directly at the conference.
Show us the hysteria, maybe there’s a cow mascot, or someone dressed up in cheese and if you want add Rebekah’s dialog as V.O.
In the slugs when you tell me it is “Susan’s home, or Don’s pool” you kinda take me out. And you are supplying the description so why use this.
Go directly to living room, pool, trailer, bathroom. We see the quirky characters and realize that it’s their home, so don’t worry about the slugs.
The dialog consists of their responses, so leave the questions, because the responses have the question in them and they are brilliant.
[If I may, really pardon my french, but when Adelot says that it smells like and stares between rebekah's legs, how many people will get it? Go ahead, let him say Pu***y, it's a great punchline and you expect him to say it, plus he's dying, he won't care.]
The ending seems rushed and having tracked your progress on the forums I am surprised you managed one at all with all the great effort you put in the dialog and story.
If you edit the stuff I mention, then you have room for a scene where Rebekah’s film actually launches an investigation and we see him taken down by a swat team or something. You know what would be funny, if Robert was lactose intolerant and Rebekah finds out. Some fed type officials ask him to taste cheese at the conference and he throws up. And then we can go to prison.
This is good writing that needs one more run through with a polishing rag.
All the best.”
“I love cheese. I could totally be one of these people!
Kidding, but I do like cheese, and I have some port-salut in my fridge so there you have it. I think you will be right on the money to follow the comments posted above, especially that great review by rusty. Just a little gem-polishing to bring out the brilliance that’s in there.
I really enjoyed the humor in this, your lines that would describe the cutaway shots to things like the cottage cheese plopping on the floor, and that guy drooling in the corner of the convention are precise and perfect. I really liked this take on the “wealth” subject, I think you made a very good choice there.
best of luck to you (and glad you did get that confirmation letter at last!!)
Andrew”
“Pia–
Wow you nailed it. I loved it and couldn’t get enough. I have to say when I heard your idea I had no idea how it would work. But it is fantastic. I don’t have really much to point out as a critisism it just moved smoothly and loved the shift where they went from the ones who had enjoyed the scam to those who got screwed by it.
The only issue and it is a small and easy issue is that I would jump quicker into the the mock doc part sooner.
Kudos Pia”
“I really enjoyed reading this. Your characterizations were really realistic, and now I’ve finally found out how to write subtitles!
I loved your cheese puns, and Robert’s stage appearances. I found your writing very visual and easy to imagine as a film.
There were no real criticisms I can actually pin down – congrats! If I’m being fussy I’d say something about the sluglines as I prefer them shorter. But obviously that is personal preference.
It was fun picking out the cheeses you named as I read it. Your writing was very imaginative and humourous… I loved Janes bath above all things. I would call that a job well done.
Good luck!”
“This was really smart. A great idea. I went there with the whole cheese/chedda/money and the woman in the cottage cheese bath…Wealthy women with sensitive skin spend a lot of chedda’ on bathing products.
How great. I’m a little jealous. And sitting down to write a short mockumentary to test myself.
Good Luck!”
“Hi Pia!
I haven’t read your other reviews yet, but I’m going to suppress the urge to say that it was really gouda because I’m sure someone’s beaten me to it. Very funny stuff and very well written. You had posted something on the forum prior to the deadline about your idea featuring Don Provolone, and it reminded me of a book I got ahold of in about 6th grade (actually, I think I swiped it from an Albertsons) It was called The Oddfather and was written by a couple of the writers from Mad Magazine. Of course, it was a parody of the Godfather, but Don Corleone was none other than…(drum roll) Don Provolone! (flashback ends)
Anyway, I thought it was very clever and fun and I’m sure you had a good time writing it and I enjoyed reading it. Thanks for the opportunity an good luck!
Mike”
“WOW! this is a very good story. I don’t know how you ever came up with that story, well done! I am so glad I didn’t get this heat. I really didn’t know what a mocumentary was, now I do! The dialog flowed, it was easy to read and follow. I liked the cheezy puns and terms. I enjoyed reading this script, this is one of my favorites.
Good luck,
Stephenie”
“Hey Pia,
This was a fun read. Its strongest characteristic is the simplicity of it all, which is probably what makes a mockumentary work. The fact that everyone’s making such a big deal about cheese is hysterical and yet, the characters are believable. I enjoyed the characters as well. They were funny, interesting, and, occasionally, gross. Don Provelone and Jane were somewhat disturbing in their fetishistic obsession with cheese.
As for the documentary format, I think the script worked relatively well. The interviews were brief on not many questions were asked, which is often the case in a documentary. I did, however, feel that it lacked a point. A lot of documentaries clame and/or strive for objectivity but that’s all complete nonsense. Every documentary has an opinion behind it, now matter how objective it may seem. I thought the idea of creating a big scandal around this guy was somewhat downplayed. I also thought it suffered somewhat for something that was out of your control: the page limit. Never heard of a documentary, let alone mockumentary, that lasts only 13 minutes. That’s not your fault, of course, but it’s still a little weird and feels rather incomplete. If you were to extend this into full length, I think you’d really have something. The idea’s got a lot of potential IMO.
Anyway, a fun read and a good interpretation of an extremely challenging genre, especially if it’s meant to be written in a week. Good job, Pia.”
“Pia
First — Congrats on entering and finishing a script for the contest. You have done a good job here. Personally, I like the odd humor, like the Model jumping out of her tub full of cottage cheese.
Here are some thoughts. In the beginning you show us a sign. I think right after that sign we should have a new slugline. Should be something like:
EXT. HOTEL – SIGN – CONTINUOUS
Now allow me to back track to your logline. You have a good logline, and it could be shorter. I counted the words (33). There are too many words in the logline, try to get it down to 22 max. Here is an example.
A crack film crew investigates a get rich quick sheme and discovers a ruthless businessman with an obsession about cash and dairy. (22)
Your ending through me for a loop. I though Robert Baron would get more of his own dairy obsession as his punishment.
Great job.
Spencer McDonald”
“I have to admit being a little put off at first because the names were so obvious they were painful (Robert Baron? Ouch!). But once this got rolling it really clicked. Considering you were saying you had to learn the mockumentary format quickly in order to write this, you did a fantastic job. I wish I could learn genres that quick.
I think the downside of the cheese business was where you really shined. I almost wish there was a third one, as there were three cheese hoarders who made the program work, because these negative cases were a riot.”
“Hi Pia,
While a brouhaha continues to brew on the “other side,” let me preface my comments by saying this is just MY OPINION.
I really liked the story, and I could easily see it filmed. Favorite line: Dairy Godmother. Favorite moment: Rebekah crossing her legs in front of Mr. Adelost.
Of all the people interviewed, I think Don Provolone is your star. Given that you only have 15 pages to work with, I wonder if keeping the focus on him would have worked better. So Mr. Baron takes the stage in all his phony splendor, and you keep cutting back to Provolone who gives the real skinny about the downside of attending these “cheesy” seminars. For example, one cut could be of Provolone having his triglyceride count checked. Another of him losing his girlfriend because he really let himself go, gaining 100 lbs or so. Meanwhile, people at the seminar are falling over themselves with glee to be in the presence of the Big Cheese.
Focus on the juxtaposition. Elation to despair, and back again. Then, ultimately, Rebekah reveals to Provolone – who’s worked himself into a frenzy – that Baron is doing a seminar that very day, downtown. “As a matter of fact, it’s going on right now.” Provolone snatches something out of the fridge and hops into his car. Rebekah and her camera crew speed down the highway after him, all excited of course. This is gettin’ good. Provolone bursts into the seminar. CONFRONTATION. Provolone erupts, tells Baron he ruined his life in every possible way. Baron can feel the tide turning, slowly. Seminar attendees are becoming less infatuated with him by the second. Then… Provolone reaches into his pocket.
Baron can’t escape. Provolone slugs him. Brings him down on the stage. And stuffs Swedish Moose cheese down his throat while attendees chant his demise. Mr. Baron suffocates. The jig is up, and over. Denouement: Provolone is his prison cell, opening up another gift package. A block of cheesy gratitude from yet another seminar attendee.
Pia, again, just my thoughts. For 36 hours, or whatever it was, you did marvelous!
Tony”