Santa’s Gift to Joey.pdf
By Pia. 6 pages

Santa’s Gift to Joey mp3 Listen to it.

A young boy learns that not all presents come wrapped in a fancy wrapper, some of the best ones don’t even come wrapped at all.

I entered this script to Gimme Credit’s cycle VI competition and MoviePoet for December’s “Christmas Gift” competition. It won both. The following is the GC judge’s scores and comments and after that the MP comments.

NOTES:

#1

What a sad story. Your story is very effective. My thoughts are that it could still be streamlined — eliminate the extra description. When Joey is all alone, is his mom still passed out? When did he call the cops? Build more about the neighborhood. Overall the writing is very touching.

#2

Beautiful, touching story. When did Joey call 911 and when did his mom call him bad?

Perhaps if we saw him hanging up the phone in the beginning and then his mom swing the door open with an angry look then flash to LATER, we would get the timeline better (or something like that, if that’s the timeline you intended). Otherwise, great! Typo pg.2 line before third slug line.

TITLE

Santa’s Gift to Joey

JUDGE #1

JUDGE #2

STORY/STRUCTURE

8

8.5

DIALOGUE

8

9

CHARACTER

8

9

FEASIBILITY

6.5

6

ENDING

7.5

9

SUBTOTAL

38

41.5

COMPETITION TOTAL

79.5

Movie Poet comments and score:

“Good story. You developed Joey very well. You also set the scene for his horrendous family life very well without being over the top. You made your points without being preachy. Kudos to you! On a formatting note, whenever one character speaks back to back without another character speaking in between, you should put “CONT’D”. Also, you have a lot of sentences that could be broken up into smaller sentences. It makes it a smoother read. Also, it increases the tension/emotions of the scene. Instead of “His hands cover his ears, he rocks back and forth while he hums” you can try “His hands cover his ears. He rocks back and forth. He hums.” Try playing with it and see what you like.”

“I thought this one was going to be a rough one to read but the writing so done so well I really felt Joey and his little boy innocence. And the last bit with Walter was done very nicely. No back story on Walter is needed, because the visuals say it all. Great job.”

“Really sweet and sad. The characters were well realized and the dialogue feels natural. I love it!”

“Wow, this is a really sad story. I like the contrast of Joey’s horrifying situation with the sweet ending. Because the beginning is so dark, I think the end isn’t over the top. It balances each other out. 

I guess I didn’t totally believe Walter’s character. He was just too good. But it’s not a major thing.”

“I liked the kid and the descriptions of what he tried to do to drown out the sounds of mom getting abused. But when did he call 911? When did he get in trouble for it? He said he did but when? All I saw was him trying to drown out the sounds, then he looks in on mom and she’s asleep. If his actions to protect his mom was the reason for the vet giving him the medal, why didn’t we see him in action?”

“This was really good. The writing was great, dialogue was spot-on, and the story itself was very engaging. Nice job all around. I won’t be surprised at all if this one ends up in the winner’s circle this month.”

“This is surely ‘Santa’s Gift to Joey’?

It’s excellent, but not anonymous! Either that, or we have a serious plagiarist…”

“Excellent. Not much I can say, great story, expertly told. You really made me feel something for Joey and Walter both.
Think this one will do well.”

“This is wonderful.

A beautiful, heartbreaking story, very well told.

I love how much you let the visuals tell the story.”

“A very touching story. I was moved by the opening sequence and the description of Joey’s circumstances, that part had a powerful emotional pull. And then when Joey meets Walter who bestows his old war medal on him, that entire section felt genuine and heartfelt. 

You chose to not show the 911 call. An understandable choice, but it did interrupt the flow of the scenes, for me anyway. Also, I think you could have gone right from “He was hurting my Mommy,” to: “You were trying to save her…” 

I liked this one. It felt real and conveyed a lot of deep emotion.”

“Like it. Decent story. A bit over the top for me (Medal of Honor?), but still, it’s Christmas.”

“This is awesome. Just plain beautiful really.

I loved the story of the little boy and his whole conflict.

I don’t think I would change a thing except when he “skips” with the chocolate milk and cookies. Maybe show him skipping afterwards, away from them or something else to show that childhood joy. I could be crazy, but maybe he would drop a cookie or his milk and that would have broken my heart, he didn’t have much! 

Anyway, besides that very small detail, I would love to see this filmed, it has the capacity to bring a tear.

Good job and good luck!”

“Why did I like it? 

It was incredibly well written, for a script with little dialogue it worked so well, your descriptions and actions were spot on and I had not trouble whatsoever imagining being there watching. The story was simple yet effective, It had a beginning, a middle and an end – which so many 5 pagers I have read cannot seem to get right. 

It was a perfect Christmas story.

Thanks”

“What a sad sad story…but it works and I liked it. I’ve read this story before…perhaps on another site? Zoe? And I still like it. This is what drama is all about. Strong images, moving sequences, you really feel for the kid.”

“Very well written, a nice little story, good images, I just feel a little manipulated. The ending was predictable, but it was an easy read which is hard when there is that much description – but you kept it simple and it worked.”

“There’s a lot of promise – real promise – in this script, but it’s not there, quite yet. 

The first three pages of the script really had me, I mean. I was ready for a Little Ted Bundy shock ending where the kid really was a monster and that’s why Santa didn’t come, etc.

I love the imagery of the medal. I think that plot element falls a little flat as is because we don’t really get the emotional connection Walter has with it (after all, the script is only 5 pages – not a lot to work with).

I would challenge the writer to really strengthen the relationship between the medal and Walter, so when he gives it to the boy, the audience are reaching for the Kleenex.

This script really has promise. I would love to read a longer version.”

“The Medal of Honor – nice job. Sad recognition that not everyone who lives in a war zone has been officially deployed. I think the kid’s character could have been deepened somewhat by giving him another characteristic or attribute beyond his situation. Please change “don’t loose it” to “lose”, and give this a going over for typos.”

“Well told tale of pathos. Hope and innocence of youth surrounded by despair and problems of others’ making. Question marks for me appeared around the some-other-day 911 call and who was sharing in the noise of the evening. Emotionally well-squeezed read.”

“This was a really dark script at the beginning. You did a good job of describing Joey and his home life. I liked that you did not show us his Mom being beaten. The sound of it was good enough here. (Sorry for the choice of words in this case). 

The character of Walter was a good relief at the end. I liked his explaination of being Santa’s cousin.”

“Giving a very good! I thoroughly enjoyed this story. very real and touching. The only thing keeping it from being excellent in my books is the amount of “black on the page” It was work to read in some points and I think you can consolidate your words. other than that, the story was top notch.”

“A nicely told story. I think it’s sweet that a war vet would give Joey his Medal of Honor, though I’m not sure why he was carrying it with him in the first place. And I’m not sure if it were necessary to get into so much detail as to what was wrong with Santa’s reindeer. But overall a very good job.”

“Very touching, very well crafted. No major complaints here.

I really liked Santa’s Gift to Joey 

I wouldn’t be surprised if it places.”

“Perfect form. Engaging. Sweet as hell. Damn good.”

“This is an excellent Christmas script. The only issue I have is that him giving Joey the medal is unlikely. However, it’s the thought that counts. Well done.”

“Overall a very good story. However, the lack of dialogue from the end of page 1 to the beginning of page 3 threw me a bit. I had to go back and read it several times to stay with the story. I’d suggest maybe breaking it up a bit and adding some dialogue. Otherwise a good story. Interesting.”

“The action moves along smoothly. Well written and it reads easily. Too bad the boy still has that kind of hopeless situation to go home to. Guess he’ll have to suck it up until he moves out.”

“Just a beautiful story. I really enjoyed this one, and it’s one of my favorites. I sort of wished that Walter was not a greasy drunk guy. I sort of pictured that he would just disappear, as if he were a Christmas Angel or something, I wish he’d been just a regular guy.
I loved the story, sad as it is, and I love that Joey got something for Christmas.

I gave this an excellent, because of the story. The writing could be a little more crisp and clean, but the story is what caught my heart, and I would like to see this one filmed.”

“Little Joey… I know you and as I read this story, it played in my head. Like small voices from… well you know.

Hey… I love this story. Very well told or should I say shown. You are one of my favorite writers.

Well done grasshopper.”

“That was cute. It was a simple story with lots of meaning. Nice story and great job.”

“Great intro & solid story, pulled me in immediately & had me very sympathetic with Joey. Nice job on painting the poor kid’s life, and the dialog with Joey & Walter was very good. I would suggest tightening this up a bit by eliminating some of the shorter scenes altogether.”

“I like the idea of Walter’s character being a disillusioned war veteran and passing on something mystical and special to Joey. The criss-crossing of two perceptions is really poignant and definitely, inspiring. Great job.”

“Your script grasped my attention through out. Very good!”

“Interesting, depressing and even a bit uplifting. It was very well written and real. You can feel the pain of both Joey and Walter, and how a small Christmas moment can do a world of good for both of them.

Well done.”

This entry was posted by Pia on Thursday, January 4th, 2007 at 9:47 pm and is filed under Drama, Short. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.